I enjoy writing. It gives me a creative expression which uses a medium that I know and love....words. But as I have mentioned more than once before, I have yet to learn, accept or commit to writing as a discipline. For me, to write when I don't have anything on my mind to explore or describe has just been a non-starter. And if that is not bad enough, I now have a new issue. Namely the fear of laying my current thoughts down on the electronic record book of this blog only to look back and be embarrassed, even shamed (self-shame). The apparent naivete, the virtual hubris of some of my breezy declarations is certainly not a confidence builder.
Regardless, I am now telling myself I will never arrive at a place where I can guarantee that all that I see and do and write about will magically remain eternally valid. That it will somehow always stand up under the scrutiny of time and hindsight. I reached that humble conclusion about half way through swimming my laps one very recent morning. I experienced a flush of excitement at the decision to break my 5 month hiatus from visiting this blog. Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead! Let the record show what it shows and open the toga the best that you can Senor Santiago.....
As I glance at the cup on my desk, there is the section of branch and vine that I cut down about a year ago last summer. The mystery of that union of the branch to the vine, where the two merge into one, served me well as a point of contemplation, possibility, calling even. And yet I'm aware of an attitude in me at the time where the pursuit of a deeper union with God was almost like a project. a lofty goal I would simply set my mind to. Yep, I would just head off with my little spiritual rucksack in a brave journey to appropriate insight and intimacy with the Trinity. About right now I can envision someone coming into the room and asking me, "So how's that goin' for ya'?"
As I continue to read and study the lives of mystics, read of their journeys, listen to their guidance, I am struck by the endless paradoxes that are the coin of the mystical realm. The word ineffable has become a sort of friend to me. It expresses the very experience I have had anytime I have tried to verbalize to another the path I find myself on. Or any time I try and write about my current journey. My dictionary describes ineffable as too overwhelming to be expressed or described in words;inexpressible; too awesome or sacred to be spoken. This word brings me relief. It explains what I have experienced in each and every attempt to blog or discuss the contemplative path I believe I have been called to. I came across this quote which so beautifully captures the essence of ineffable: "The witness of all those who have tasted it, however, is that it cannot really be spoken but only alluded to by analogies and art." Like a distant, faint star. It is only visible peripherally, not by direct gaze
So Santiago is in court being tried for crimes against common sense. The charges include babbling and thrashing and making little to no sense despite his best attempts at clarity. My attorney looks to the jury and offers my only defense: "Your honor, members of the jury, my client's understanding and the path he finds himself upon is simply ineffable. Clarity, crispness and precise descriptions are quite simply not possible. The defense rests."
And yet I write in an attempt... an attempt to understand and be understood. An attempt at arriving at some type of self narrative to chronicle this journey. And my little friend ineffable serves as a type of pass. a get-out-of jail card for me. I can quit my straining to put exact words to what words can never do justice to. The judge comes back and asks the jury if they have reached a verdict. "We have your honor. We find the defendant not guilty!" The judge leans over the bench and addresses me directly. "Son, I have a bit of advice for you. Just say it the best you can and damn the torpedoes!
Whether it's gift or curse I do not know. But I am definitely a pragmatic kind of guy, practical to a fault. (And yet, as perhaps a type of cosmic relief valve, I have a love for winsomeness despite it being so often of no practical value whatsoever!) Practicality stands at the very center of my motivation in pursuing what has turned out to be a contemplative path. My reasoning follows.....
Since becoming acutely aware of the late innings of my ballgame, I simply looked up ahead and saw what my beliefs promised was coming. Namely, a passing from the kingdom of this earth into the eternal kingdom of what is often called heaven. It would be there that the promises of God indicate I will commune with him in an intimate, direct, even face-to-face manner. Aha! Then if that is the case (says my pragmatic engine room) then no sense waiting. Let's get busy now and strike off on a course that directly heads to the pursuit of a deeper intimacy with the Trinity on this side of the grave. Why wait to cross over. Find out what you can do now to expedite the transformative processes that are required to close the intimacy/union gap between Santiago and the Triune dance. Something like that.....
The above stands in contrast to what has repeatedly stood out in my reading of a growing number of mystics. Namely, that their progression/process of pursuing deeper intimacy with God seemed not necessarily driven by a pragmatic outlook such as I have described. Theirs, although each writer was unique, seemed always more fueled by a deep love for God that had a compelling energy that drew them into discipline and obedience and the spiritual practices. Their love for God was of a depth that not pleasing him was simply abhorrent. It was a burning type of love that seemed to keep them on their respective mystical paths through all the self-emptying that must precede a divine in-filling. To me, this love stands in sharp contrast to the merely pragmatic, volitional assent that seems at the heart of my motivation to date. I believe only love is strong enough to sustain a calling to the cosmic dance. I believe that pragmatism by itself is woefully inadequate to pull me up and into what I of myself have no ability to lift myself into.
Lord, I present myself to you and confess my desire to fall more deeply in love with you. I want to fully embrace that unconditional love and acceptance you have for me. I want not to just have intellectual knowledge of your love. I desire your love to more fully fuel my desires and my passions to love you back. For your love to ignite my love for you in order to please you and to more radically present myself to you. For your will to be done in bringing me closer to being a man who walks in a manner capable of bringing benefit to others and in active participation with your redemptive work in our broken world.
