Whistling in the dark.....

One of those times where I feel like writing but have nothing in mind, I'm not pregnant with any particular thought or picture that is demanding to be birthed. As I look back in this blog I see that this is not an uncommon thing with me. So, I will give it a whirl even though I sit here deeply doubtful in having either a reasonable chance for satisfaction or even being able to just bang out something...anything.

The inner waters of Santiago are stirred up, choppy. There is no clarity, no particular clear focus. Just shreds and snippets of half-baked thoughts and observations. Might a data dump of some kind help clear up the logjam of backed-up mental/spiritual poop?

Sandi and I took a recent trip to Arizona. We stayed five days each with two couples. I had some advance dread at the prospect of just receiving for 10 days in someone else's home, eating their food, using their sewer and water. Not wanting to disrupt their routine. Not wanting to be their project, their need to entertain. Yikes! How did I ever even venture forth into such a potential abyss?

But we did and it was much better than anticipated. We learned a lot about olives on a tour, got to know and appreciate cactus, the desert, AZ architecture and color palettes beyond anything garnered thus far. We saw swarms of retired people doing classic retired stuff in the warmth and within neatly organized, HOA-managed communities and including a wide-range of varied income strata....from double-wides to whizzing golf carts, to Southwest magazine AZ elegance. It was something to behold. I also experienced a small group of like-aged, like-minded people enjoy an evening of transparency and connection. I can't remember when I last experienced something similar. There was a Lutheran church service where I witnessed several hundred mostly white haired folk singing out loudly, in-tune and with passion some of the old hymns of my youth. I was surprised with joy and deep feelings of being in a community of like-minded seekers of the eternal available exclusively through Jesus.  Beautiful!  

Back home of course I find myself walking amidst what I perceive to be the high level of tribalism that is loose within the culture of today. Mankind seems allergic to mere neutrality. It now seems that cultural ideals have sorted themselves out into a very delineated left, right and an extremely weak center. Most adherents are highly, emotionally involved and seek only to embrace and hear from their own. Each dials in their respected, approved echo chamber. Those outside their circle of truth are not mere outsiders but enemy combatants suitable only for resisting, fighting and hating. Families and friends find themselves embracing 'belief life rafts' that they cannot help but believe in and maintain that everyone should need and value in the same exact way. Divisiveness and separation are released upon the land, the human bonds are stretched towards there ultimate max and all thinking people can only wonder when it will pop and how bad that will be.

But then there are the oases of friends, open-minded friends with whom one can chat and explore without tripping emotional and mental land minds. Thank you for these gifts Jesus! And thank you for leading me into the prioritization of unity with all you created me to step into, with all you intended for me to be from before the creation of the world. That and You are what keep me going. I admit to being profoundly puzzled and troubled on any given day of the week but the fact that I was created in Your image so that I could have an eternal walk with You as my Source forever is the core belief that brings a smile to my face despite the surrounding cacophony! 

As I glance over my shoulder I see wispy shreds of what can only be called....what?....hints and glimpses of barely baked observations and experiences and WTF's. Things like how I always wanted a mentor (human) but never quite achieved one, I probably should have been in the military but I pranked it and now part of my limp is as a result of that scam, years of struggling with "you are what you produce" has left a mark and sometimes causes a slight trip, I got a second chance at having a mate and for that I am ever grateful, blank whiteboards give me the willies, some of my limp was created with my poor choice in friends, Mom was really right about my inflated ego but I was blind, drugs got their pound of flesh, I got to have a great childhood, Jess and Jenna are the best things about me but guilt and shame taint those waters for me, I have recoiled from pain my entire life and yet am faced with the truth of "in this world you will have trouble", what's the deal with my love of the illusion of unlimited, unending supply?

Ok, now take all of the above and add the other crap that is too vague and foggy to even articulate, put it all into a blender, hit Frappe for thirty seconds and pour out the green-grey mixture into your favorite glass and Voila! you have....what? A glass of green-gray mung. Depressing? Nah, because when I look for where Jesus is in all of this I see and believe that he is right here, fueling my fingers and cheering me on in this journey of being real and authentic and unapologetic. So there's that......

 

 

 

 

 

 

State of Santiago

New year and I have this desire to do a flyover of some of what I am seeing/experiencing at this juncture of my walk through what mom used to call "my so called life" (miss you mom!). Nothing particularly exhaustive or anything. You know, a 'through-the-glass-darkly' type of look. (As if even given enough time and insight I could see my life anymore clearly than through the proverbial dark glass.)

Being still close to the holidays I have to say 2024 Christmas was really something. The whole family was together (minus Keenan who couldn't get time off) for 8+ days. The entire Germany contingent came over.  The Pennsylvania branch was here. The Unze family was finally here in Minnesota. We all joined together for a Christmas Eve celebration of 30 at Vernice's party room. There were many other highlights and a few bare mentioning. 

There was a professional family photo scheduled and the many shots of different groupings turned out so very, very good! Sandi's dream of such a group photo were finally realized. Not having Keenan available was a definite ding but having as many as were available on a specific day, time and place felt almost miraculous. The first time I looked closely at the group shot of all of us, I felt  the Spirit of Truth speaking to me. What started out 24 years ago simply as a man in love with Sandi had now morphed into something so much bigger. The photo depicts a virtual domain in which I have been grafted in. As I stare at the faces in the photo I am profoundly humbled at what God has wrought...profound beauty out of what for a time was just ashes. It leaves me in an attitude of tears filled with a deep humbleness mixed with a profound gratitude....even joy.

Our time together was long enough to really enjoy one another, to spend goodly amounts of time chatting and laughing. Our blended family operated as being well-blended, full of love and mutual respect. There were many shared meals, some walks, games. And it turns out that many little glass ducks appeared from their strategic hiding places throughout the bricks and mortar of 453 Carol. There is no question...the 2024 Christmas was truly an amazing God-given gift to our entire family!

In other news: So wow!, getting older. If I am to be transparent (and I want to be) there are a number of things that aren't what they used to be. Memory for one. I forgot what the second thing is (cheap joke!) It's short term retrieval issues- where I have a great thought or question on my morning walk and then can't remember what it was hours later. On one hand, I am months away from 78 years old. On second hand I....forgot (nope,still not funny). I am certainly a pragmatist and I don't expect to get through this journey with every faculty intact. Nonetheless, it is still sobering when I notice the slippage of faculties.  

Tinnitus has been with me for a couple of years. While it's tolerable the thought of possible serious inner ear issues gives me the willies. There are balance issues that are making themselves known. Flexibility has never been great and it gets worse with time. (Geesh Santiago, maybe if you overcame your hatred of stretching and started even a modest routine?) And hearing...Sandi and I sometimes just have to laugh at what we think the other just said. The volume on TV tends to climb from 15 at one point and now hovers around 18. And everyone just seems to mumble more lately especially in a crowded room. Injuries linger longer, multi-tasking is less fluid, heck sometimes impossible. When it's time to concentrate I increasingly depend on quiet without interruptions in order to function well. That wasn't always the case.

So that's probably enough of that. There is more but the purpose of me mentioning is not to depress myself, only to acknowledge that as 80 fast approaches it does not do so in a human life without it's share of decrepitude. I will just keep walking 30 miles a week until I can't. Daily movement is my practice to keep as much physical fallout to a minimum as possible.

And what of my focus on union with Christ over the last seven years....how is that going? Well....lifting the tarp to peek underneath to check on how the transformation process is coming along is a dubious thing to do. A deeper commitment to self surrender and abandonment doesn't support such progress checks and I believe any attempts at doing so will always be met by kingdom correction. Mere human Jim is eager to see some positive changes, some advancement in 'more of Jesus and less of Jimbo'. Alas, my pause to take a look-see is only met with signs of continued I-ness. I am learning that looking for progress is not on the approved list of activities. Neh, neh my liege. Must leave the worldly dependence on progress reports for motivation and rely instead simply on trusting and obeying for there is no other way-ing.  (Geesh!....lame.)

In summary, I am one grateful guy.  Reflecting on the past decades clearly points out the love and grace of God in my life. I did a lot 'my way' in the first three innings of the ballgame. And yes, some more shenanigans in the fourth inning even after stepping into the kingdom. Heck, the whole ballgame was and is rife with falling. A staggering amount of humiliations and missteps requiring the forgiveness of Father. And he did forgive, he is forgiving, he does make his love for me evident. When I see it for what it is I stand in knee-wobbling awe and gratitude that I have been welcomed into an eternal, upside-down kingdom that is as foreign to my natural nature as can be. And yet....and yet... I absolutely believe it is true and I press on toward the upward call of my King! 

Maranatha Lord!