1 + 3 = 1

My experience with writing, albeit limited, has shown me that I love it the most when I am "pregnant" with what feels like some very ripe thought that is just begging to be articulated. The actual composing is almost effortless....the words just fly from the keys and organize themselves into coherent thought.  Today is not one of those days. Today brings me a couple of wisps and a vagueness that challenges me to try and express to myself what is lurking in the mental shadows.

I have described myself in part as a recovering hedonist.  Yet, it's not just seeking pleasure as an end in itself for me.  It is more of a strong pull/desire for transcendence....to go beyond the mere limits of the material world. To discover and experience what is just beyond the curtain, to lose myself in the larger story that has been being told since the beginning of time.  To go beyond my pay grade. To lose my "I-ness" in the community of the Kingdom. Mind altering drugs, the first twenty minutes of whisky, first blush of love, birth of a child, a wild thunderstorm  can all produce the briefest glimpse of what a loosening of the normal bindings of life can feel like.  It is heady stuff. But it disappears so quickly. It leaves me just wanting, wanting more....

This may simply sound like a whining boomer who just wants his Maypo. Perhaps. But now that I have been graced with the benefit of retirement and the gift of time, I find myself increasingly being drawn to a contemplative mindset. The desire for general transcendence has become more specific and is more clearly described by a yearning for intimacy with the Creator of the universe, for union with Christ, the merging of my branch into the Vine. To lose my constant use of myself as a universal reference point for all that I do and think. To lose my knee-jerk/default strategy of comparing, judging, keeping score etc., ad nauseum, etc. To surrender, to allow myself to be absorbed into the desires and plans I was created to pursue. To regularly, more effortlessly hear the still small voice. To say yes more quickly. To obviate the need for any bit or bridle. To be merged into the community of the Trinitarian dance that has been from the beginning to today.

Smitten is the best word to describe the level of my gratitude for being an eternal son of the Lion of Judah. He has given me tangible experiences of being called up and into something bigger than myself. A seven year opportunity to be part of a band of brothers that fought and prayed together through long weekends in a very "thin place". Of being given a second chance in a blended family after I had brought travesty down upon my domain. Twenty years of learning to navigate the invisible in a career consisting of a net-less tightrope and an "eat what you kill" pay plan. Today, I can humbly testify to the truth that he is not tame but he is good.

Last Saturday, I went for a short walk to see how my hamstring healing was coming along. Trying to start back up slow so went only two miles which ended with some quiet time in the woods. The silent, people-less woods, ready-made for an apprentice contemplative.  I found myself intently listening as I asked if Abba may have anything to say to me.  A few minutes went by. I looked through an opening in the trees and caught the beautiful arching flight of four, bright white, long-necked geese flying against the backdrop of a maya blue sky. Though four in number, they flew as a single unit in perfect cadence and symmetry. What Lord? Is this for me? .....Yes, one is called up into the three and they fly as one. 1 + 3 = 1.  Kingdom math. This is my transcendence for you Santiago.