Vicious, snapping tigers.....

As I have continued  pressing into a deeper union with the Trinity, I have had some fresh insight into a portion of that which holds me captive. In part, this insight has come from a dubious alliance of three sources: the Pause app, a re-reading of the Boyd book: Repenting of Religion and, (true confession), a voyeuristic viewing of Tiger King.

Father often ministers to me in pictures/images/clips that serve as a visual representation of a spiritual dynamic in my life. So check this out: After having Pause app on my phone for months and not using it, I found myself opening it up about 7-10 days ago. Swirling circumstances surrounding family dynamics and personal challenges sent me out in search of additional resources. As I matriculated through the programmed phases of Pause, I recently arrived at the ten minute version which comes with a five minute portion inviting the listener to enter into reflection re: guidance, inner-healing or worship. I have found myself in the inner healing space now for several sessions and found Jesus sitting in the room with me....so grateful!

My fresh dive into the R. of Rel. has been timely and ever so helpful. In those pages I have re-visited the provision, the prohibition, the lie, the curse and my fallen stance in the middle of life's circle as a virtual judging machine. My reading has sharpened my focus on those things that thwart my desire to more deeply join the dance of the Trinity, for union with Christ. And then, as a sort of added bonus, comes an image from my ashamed-to-admit-viewing of the Joe Exotic epic. A mental film clip to give Santiago a visual shorthand of the consequences  of trying to get life from sources outside of dependence on F, S and HS.

As I have considered my Adamic strategies for squeezing out some life juice, as I have held my brokenness before the Father during my Pauses,  a scene from the illicit Netflix series blazed across my mental screen. It was feeding time and twelve to eighteen full-grown tigers were swarming and circling around a grossly insufficient amount of meat for such a ravenous crowd. The image etched its way into my mind as the power, viciousness and desperation of those tigers left an unforgettable representation that Jesus is using to further illuminate my sojourn.

Despite being unaware of the source/point of entry, I trip over the whole issue of scarcity, of there not being enough. There are no obvious instances from my childhood that I can identify. And yet somehow, I actively find myself with a strong aversion and discomfort whenever I perceive scarcity in any of its various forms. This observation is reflected in such diverse affinities as a love for buffets, 30+lb turkeys, drinking out of giant water glasses, having as many back-ups as possible and back-ups for the back-ups for things I use, eat, drink or like, not being content with less than a half a tank of gas and a host of related items I am too tired to list. And at the root of it all? Peel back enough layers of the onion and I am left with an ugly distrust of my Father to faithfully provide for my needs and desires which results in a perceived need to fend for myself.

And this issue with scarcity, which is entirely based on a lie, extends into areas other than just physical things. Not getting proper recognition or credit for a good idea, not being heard or acknowledged, not getting a return email or call, being issued unrequested guidance when I am feeling backed into the corner of unfamiliarity, having my motives or intent judged in an incorrect manner, accusations of all kinds, any version of feeling like someone is taking unfair advantage of me or attempting to buffalo me, all forms of disloyalty... any threat to my cardboard castle of pathetic efforts to stockpile forms of security in the midst of an insecure world. These and many more bring about the snap of a ravenous pack of tigers. Most often the roar of five inch teeth is only heard internally but too often it is growled with razor sharp words dripping with the toxic juice of 'I-am-on-my-own-ness'.

Well, this names at least some of what is at work in the old man of me that sent Jesus onto the cross that I might be ransomed, released and gain admittance into an eternal life of fullness and freedom.

Jesus, thank you for the shorthand of this tiger picture. Despite its ugliness, it is an efficient time-saver in the economy of my self-reflection. As I admit, confess and throw myself into your merciful antidote, keep me from returning to such piles of vomit! You care for me. I have reason to have no anxiety about anything. I need only let my request be known to you, to trust that you've got it and to receive that peace that indeed passes all understanding  Father, help me to look more consistently  through the eyes of my heart than the eyes of my flesh. To better comprehend the breadth, and length and height and depth, to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that I may be filled with all the fullness of God.  May you keep my feet from wandering off this trail that leads to deeper Triune union. Prevent my every effort to wiggle off your stripping table Lord. Jesus, I want to join your eternal dance of freedom and light! Thank you for your grace in hearing me and running up the road ahead of me as you preload each twist and turn with the very provisions I will need.      Maranatha!