One now after another....

Yea! I get to blog a bit. A scene from Chariots of Fire comes to mind when Eric Liddell shares that when he runs he feels "the pleasure of God". I know something of that when I express through the written word. So yea, I get to blog.

One side comment before launching forward....by writing infrequently, I have little to no recall of things I may have already said in an earlier post. Like the comment about Liddell and what he said. I know I have thought that before and now I suspect I may have well said it here, on 500' Flyby before. Not that big of a deal except I am really wanting not to become one of those old duffers who tells the same stories every time you see them, blissfully unaware they have so shared the same thing before. Lord, please spare me from this.

Sometimes it can seem like there is no end in sight for certain of life's struggles, no reprieve from battling the same stuff, falling through the same old trap doors into the primordial ooze of your own making. But then, without any special fanfare, a breakthrough of sorts. It was unexpected and comes along with a strong tendency of mine to minimize lest I overrate it. But doggone it, when a bit of a corner seems to have been turned it's only right to declare it. And so I will.

Without summarizing the concept or discipline, several authors have written about practicing the presence of God (PPOG) on a moment by moment basis. Brother Lawrence may be the most well known name in this regard. His approach is detailed in his book, so cleverly entitled The Practice of the Presence of God. I read it many years ago (and am spending time in it again). I remember being impressed by the austerity of his living in a monastery, the simplicity of his work (which he hated) of washing dishes. I have this affinity with all things austere, simple yet severe.

But for me, the special thing that Father has recently been bringing me to is in part special for how He did it. It started from just one line (OK, maybe two or three) in a book that had been recommended to me by several friends well over a year ago. One of those funny, as in odd, traits of mine is to not do or see or read anything that is being touted too much. I'm the guy who doubles back and sees a wildly popular movie maybe a year after it has long faded from the public eye. How quirky of me (and it would be fun/good to explore what's behind that someday).

Anyhow, some dear friends gifted me a $50 Barnes and Noble gift card as a sort of farewell for a ministry leadership position I felt led to step down from. Well, one of my purchases was this book that had been recommended so enthusiastically so long ago. I loved the book but there was this line on page 106 that just had this light switch kind of an effect on me. It went something like "....you have learned to measure your stability by your circumstances and by your ability to see how things will work out months in advance." Bam, that was for me...it was me, it nailed me!

In the book, the character asks if that is so wrong. The wise sage states that he wouldn't say it's so wrong but "...it's not going to help you walk in this kingdom. When we're looking to the future, we're not listening to Father. The greatest freedom God can give you is to trust his ability to take care of you each day."

Not an overly complex thought but the rightness of it for me, at that moment, kind of rocked my world. I was left in no doubt that I was being specifically guided into this arena, at this time. No accident...divine appointment. You see, for years I have struggled with a vicious cycle of ups and downs that were all so circumstantially based. My permission to be joyful was linked to the quality of my circumstances. To make matters even worse, there was a related lie from the pit of hell that I had unwittingly bought into. It was a linear, causality type of outlook that concluded "good things happening to me, God is pleased with me. Bad things happening, God is torqued with me." Intellectually, I could argue against such thinking with no problem. But emotionally, practically, my life was lived out under the effect of this lie.

Having a pastor who has talked frequently about living in the moment with God has kept this 'PPOG' mindset at least somewhat on my radar (yet never quite embraced until now). The passages from the book had caused me to see the reality of the stronghold that I found myself in. A bondage consisting of looking to circumstances as the source (or block) of my peace/joy index. Closely related, a diabolical habit of trying to control the future while simultaneously feeling lousy about much of the past. Now there is a formula bound to produce a chronic malaise if ever there was one.

For me, it's difficult to speak or even write about this 'practicing the presence'. On one hand, it sounds so zen-like and new age. On the other, it is so simple, so basic that it starts having the feel of 'everything you ever needed to know you learned in kindergarten'. Painfully Christianity 101. Here I am into this faith walk for 35 years and I am just now appreciating how vital it is for me to surrender to God. Perhaps I should be applying to become the new poster child for the Society of Slow Learners.

All self-deprecating humor aside, by living in the moment, knowing that I couldn't be more loved by my Father than I am right now, knowing that He intends life for me and life abundantly, knowing that He desires nothing more than to be invited into each moment and, in so doing, to transform the mundane into the sacred is, for me, an extremely potent paradigm (that's one quarter into the jar for horribly overused words and very long sentences). By collapsing all analysis of the past, by surrendering all speculation concerning the future I am left with the moment. And right there, in the now, stands Jesus, knocking at my heart's door, passionately wanting to be invited into the present to do life together. When I authentically walk with this as my truth, I am so shielded from so much of what used to take me out. If a deal falls through at work, I don't run ahead into the future to project what all this is going to mean for me. I have the moment, only the moment, and Father is in it with me.

Running up ahead, speculating, is one of the ways I have done life since youth. For crying out loud, I can remember sitting in the back seat on the way to the Dr's office, knowing full well I was going to be getting a penicillin shot (they didn't call him 'Penicillin Pete' for nothing). As I anticipated the pain of what was going to happen, I would sit there pinching my arm, rehearsing and preparing, seeking a way to manage the future. It's stuff like that which has followed me into adult life in a more sophisticated yet lame attempt to manage the fallout of life. When I am trying to arrange for the details of my own happy life I am by definition not trusting Father to do so. I guess it's safe to say that if I find myself mentally dwelling in either the past or the future I am not where I am meant to be....present to the now in surrender and trust to my Abba.

It is a bit shocking when I look under my own hood to check for transformation progress. Of course I'm not suggesting that is a good thing for us to be about doing on a regular basis. Nonetheless, it is only natural to think about it every so often. What I have seen with fresh eyes is the truth that what I profess to believe does not necessarily have any correlation with how I live my life. I have seen my double mindedness. On one hand , I give vigorous intellectual assent to what Jesus taught and philosophically embrace it on every level. Yet there seems to be a separate compartment from which I actually live out so pathetically many aspects of my life. Looked at from this vantage point, I see myself living as though there really isn't an all-caring, all-loving Father in whom I can trust. Instead there are only my frantic efforts to provide for myself and to suck what I need out of the marrow of those around me. Mmmmm, harsh but more true than not. I believe that bringing my beliefs and how I live my life into alignment is possible. However, I suspect that this will only be possible to the degree Father has been given my full surrender and trust thus giving Him the freedom to align me from the inside out.

Yikes, this has grown quite long. Perhaps blog-length is just not sufficient to wrestle with producing the words of what this is and what all it is meant to mean for how I do life moving forward from here. The wicked witch had it sort of right..."Surrender Dorothy" is not a bad thing to do when one is surrendering to the Creator of the universe. The peace and joy that is reportedly associated with what I have for years professed to believe has been elusive at best. There is little to none of it when I am busy trying to choreograph the details of life into a nice Santiago dance. Surrender and dependence, on one hand so un-American sounding, so politically incorrect. But in the Kingdom economy, things operate in such profoundly different patterns. In a Kingdom where "When I am weak, then I am strong" is true, only a close walk with the King of the dome will suffice.

Surrender brings freedom and dependence allows for the byproduct of joy. No child concentrates on joy...it just comes along for the ride in the process of trusting that father means only well. My Father is like that...be that child Santiago....be that child.

Now is all I have

So it's felt freeing to describe several major chunks of my life spanning over 20 years. Flying over some woundings from youth, a life implosion in 1988, marriage separation in 1990, through divorce, long road of rambling recovery, remarriage on 1/6/01 and on up to today leaves me feeling exhausted but grateful. The interplay of God's grace woven through the ultimate consequences of sin.....
Sin, that word that political correctness abhors. That simple word defined in James as "...knows what is right to do but fails to do it" These relativistic times disallow all absolutes. Yet this I know, if you sow a black crop of twisted, dysfunctional seeds you will, you absolutely will, reap a strikingly similar crop.

Where are you going with this blog Hoppy? Well, only to say that mercy does indeed triumph over judgement! Christ's work on my behalf purchased for me a new lease on life. Initially surrendering myself to Jesus in May of 1975 put me on an entirely new path. Over a decade later, even when I fell off that path, my Savior was there to dust me off and hit the restart button of my life. Painless? Heck no. Quick? Absolutely not. Without cost? Please! I can only say that I am eternally grateful for his dogged pursuit of me, the chief of sinners.

And so it feels good to get out some of what I've come from and come through. Of course, none of us are called to live in the past-- the now is all we have and I want to be vitally alive to this moment..., and now this moment ....and now again, this present moment. Even this blog, regardless of what my intentions were when I first launched 500' Flyby, has become a tool in appropriating the essence, the heart of what matters in life, of being real with myself and losing all the bs that's seems so ever present and constantly offers itself as a substitute for the real deal.

The world shouts out it's nominations for noteworthy goals, objects worthy of pursuit and values of materialism that should simply shock us as observers. But alas, as frogs, we have been oblivious to the slowly increasing temperature of the now boiling water. Actually, saying the world 'shouts' is too mild. The world screams out it's messages 24/7 in every way imaginable. Just one example of this worldly message is a current, frequently shown TV ad: Guy imagines owning a really cool flat panel TV and wanders off to the store in an almost trance-like mode with the background 'jingle' going on like a mantra...."I want it all, I want it all, I want it all".... And now you can, with your Chase credit card...get it now, pay for it later. The American way....(Oh, don't get me going!)
I would love to say that I am impervious to all this...but it creeps in. I look above the fireplace, see this brick expanse that would be such a cool place for something...but what?....a painting?....a mounted sword perhaps?....no, how about a 40" flat panel TV? Somehow, that idea has wormed it's way into my mind and is making a mighty effort at stirring desire and that desire is making a tenacious effort at creating momentum of action and a plan to bring all this into realization....."I want it all"

But these days, perhaps with the benefit of more age, (spelled maturity for those keeping score at home), comes a bit more ability to quell the knee-jerk reactions, to see through the lie of: happiness = ownership of lots of cool stuff. And for that I am grateful Lord but this quality is hardly well-established...more like a thin veneer of ice easily broken through. Protect me from the moguls of Madison Avenue!
As a recovering hedonist, I have spent a lifetime chasing happiness in all the wrong places. Today, I am aware that my game is well beyond halftime, maybe even into the 4th quarter. I am hungry to bring an end to so much "life by default", to be more intentional, to spend my energies on things that really matter. Sounds kind of lofty...the kind of a statement that seems better coming from one speaking from some raised platform more so than from me.

Yet that too has worn thin, that chronic defeatist sense of mine, that self-limiting, keep-your-aspirations-modest-lest-you-deliver-only-more-failure. Since betraying myself and my family, I have become painfully aware of all the time I have spent holding myself hostage, constantly beating up on myself and being my own worst enemy. Being "hard on myself" eventually became a virtual hobby (albeit a diabolical one).
However (thank you God that there is a 'however'!), the last several years have brought increasing levels of redemption, restoration, of applying more of the good news to more of me, of the Lord coming into my various prison cells and flinging open some barred doors, of substantial healing of my brokenheartedness. And for that Jesus, let me just stop and say thank you Father. Thank you for not abandoning me, for showing me a living example of what "unconditional" really looks like. Keep it coming Lord, keep it coming.

So what of my "now"? What are my current priorities, the items that I believe either should be or are already the focus of my attention?
Perhaps a quick listing, no particular order, a sort of data dump:
1. A desire to not live my life as though it's just a "waiting room" before heaven and eternal bliss.
2. The importance of living in a conversational intimacy with God.
3. The truth that wholeness and holiness go hand in hand...there is no freedom without holiness and vice versa.
4. That my life is aggressively opposed by a real live enemy (who is not shooting rubber bullets) with an intensity that seems in direct proportion to the degree I serve as an agent for advancing the Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
5. That it is not about me.
6. That if Jesus has forgiven me then I must as well...not doing so is nothing less than perverse pride from the very pit of hell.
7. That my judgement, my incessant judgement of others must be collapsed.
8. That there is nothing more valuable, more thrill-producing, more lasting and pleasure-inducing than walking with God.
9. That the political thrusts of this country/world are of Caesar and I am never again to merge /superimpose them with or onto the ways of the Kingdom.
10.That there is no auto-pilot setting in life and that all of the above require an ongoing level of my most diligent intentionality.
11. That somehow in all of this, God still allows me to laugh and to see humor amidst the journey (the hardest laughs are at myself) and to enjoy the many blessings he provides along the way.

Well, I am certain this is not exhaustive but it seems to be a fair expression of the basic core of where I am at in this "spring" (and I use the term loosely) of 2008.
For now, I offer these words in this blog to make my current outlook more concrete, less swirly. I submit this for all blogging eyes to see that I may be more public, more transparent, more accountable for what I profess as being important and in the interests of letting the light of day wash over what otherwise would remain mostly internal.
Note to self: I wonder if blogging will ever feel more natural, less self-absorbed and more clearly worth engaging in....? Jesus, what have you to say about this? I am willing to hear either a yes or a no.....