So I believe Papa has guided my thinking around to questioning my oft-repeated "I'm not innately drawn to community like so many others seem to be" line. Upon further reflection, I see there are telltale signs in my life that community is indeed of interest and appealing. I loved my time in Boy Scouts, the fellowship of badges and camping and adventure. Camp Tomahawk was a week of glory, parking cars at the State Fair and living on site together was so good. Swimming team in high school was satisfying and brought a strong sense of belonging, shared experiences and accomplishments. My time as a shadow warrior was amazing...being called up and into something bigger than myself, sense of belonging, vital, shared work, adventure...so thankful for that Jesus.There is also this nagging sense that being in the armed services could have, at least at some levels, been very rewarding (minus the pesky problem of war).
So my self-description of the last years, ie. as a person not particularly drawn to community, is just not the truest truth. I am and have been drawn into some community but not necessarily all or any form of community. I have begun to take a closer look at what lies behind my feelings regarding community. This has led me to focus on the experience of relational rejections and betrayals that have accumulated in the grab bag of my 73 year sojourn. This is pretty fresh stuff and represents pure frontier for me. My inner hunger is such that risking increased vulnerability seems more reasonable than ever before.... whatever it takes to pursue deeper authenticity and surrender to the Father's restorative work in my life.
So yesterday I went to the beach with my trusty little journal covering 12 years of infrequent entries. I sat at a picnic table and listed as many individuals/instances of rejection/betrayal as I could remember. There were many and I suspect it is a woefully incomplete list. Nonetheless, it was sobering to revisit so many traumas of varying degrees and to begin to see at least some of how it has all been incorporated into my life.
There is no question I have woven a web of methods for keeping others at arm's length, of keeping expectations very low and of sidestepping perceived problems....often times with apparent ease and even finesse. While that might be an understandable, self-protective strategy in reaction to previous wounds, what is not acceptable is camouflaging these behaviors as something they are not. It's not that I lack an innate draw to community. It's that I have layered myself with protection in order to prevent additional hurts from fresh rejection/betrayals. Stating this for what it actually is brings a mixture of relief for being more honest with myself coupled with an uneasiness in opening a new vulnerability door.
I recently described some of this to Sandi and included my desire to being open (yet scared-to-death) of increased vulnerability in order to lift the limits that guarding myself has upon our relationship. There is only so much 'more' to be had in a partnership where one or both have definite limits on self-disclosure.
Yikes! Sorry, but writing this feels like absolute rubbish.... like stating the obvious, breathlessly describing what most people already know. But heh, for me it is a breakthrough into a greater willingness to be more brutally honest and exposed. My secret weapon in doing this....? Throwing myself with increased abandon into the arms of he with whom I have to do....my Abba! Ultimately my protection against the rawness of making myself more vulnerable and at risk....Jesus. He has promised to have my back and be my bottom line!
So no, I am not some self-sufficient, modern-day hermit with no need of others. I have a deep desire to be seen and understood, to be known by others, to be correctable, to be coach-able. I have incurred thousands of connection experiences in my life with lovers and friends. It's a real mixed bag of some good and plenty of not-so-good. My natural response has been to lower my expectations of human interactions and to always have a protective shield within easy reach. I can see that I am continually on the lookout for connection, especially where there is enough resilience present to endure mutual authenticity without fear of losing the connection.
Father, thank you that you are my ultimate connection! Help me to stay at the work of loving and connecting with others. Give me your attitude, your heart when it comes to the disappointments and the defenses I developed in response to the many times of being misjudged, misunderstood, unnoticed, unheard, unappreciated and unloved. I so appreciate that you became a human, you experienced all of the above, you stayed true through it all and you offer me your mind which is mine through Christ Jesus. You said "...apart from me you can do nothing." Jn 15:5 Thank you for offering yourself as my way out of the limitations of my past experience. Thank you for restoring me, for your work of transformation in me. Help me to get out of your way. Holy Spirit, I give you permission to continue the work of remaking me into your image, of healing my relational wounds and of continuing the work of making me aware of lies and the agreements I have made with them. I break each and every one of those agreements. Your unconditional love of me and your invitation to me into son-ship with you is my bottom line.
Maranatha my dear Lord!
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