As I sit down to write today, I am aware of several seemingly random threads I feel moved to riff on. They aren't necessarily tied to a particular theme. Still, they feel legit and I don't want them to stay unvoiced merely hoping they will fit in somewhere another time....
Be -vs- Do
As covid numbers continue their fall surge, I am struck by what may be at least partially causing some of the malaise/weariness so commonly being reported. What was normal has not seen so much dishevel since WWII, or maybe the great depression. Most of us have had to adapt to having nowhere to really go and much less to do in the face of lock downs. Shopping is curtailed, layoffs increase exponentially and dining-out cycles between take-out only and 50% limited seating for those brave enough to give it a whirl. Long term care residents live in forced seclusion and travel is risky if not totally limited by the ever-changing pandemic policies. And on it goes......
A sort of ontological lightness is loose in the land. To the extent our identity is coming mostly from our doing rather than our being, one's sense of self can be significantly shaken by the limitations of the day. I can't help seeing a connection to what I have experienced the first hours/days of any retreat of solitude and silence. As the superficial and artificial aspects of Santiago are quieted, as the silence and solitude bid me to just be and to let go of doing, it is not unusual to feel some initial panic/disorientation at the loss of much of what typically defines me.
But what of all those not accustomed to this type of spiritual discipline? The identity disruption covid has unleashed is undoubtedly a brutal shock. In the bias of my world view, I can only hope and pray that these circumstances may lead a great number to the alternative, invisible world of the dome in which God is King. May the eyes of many hearts be opened wide to the Author of an eternal kingdom that will not be shaken!
A Blessing....of Aging....really!
The drawbacks of seeing one's body age are obvious. Physical capacities diminish, healing takes longer and the image I see in the mirror reflects this ancient-looking intruder-dude. Yikes!! Sobering signposts of the dwindling sands of life's hourglass. But I have recently been able to appreciate some advantages of being Santiago 7.3:
It has gotten progressively easier not to be as tempted by the b.s. my old nature keeps trying to sell. There is an awareness that time is no longer unlimited (was it ever so?) and it is more obvious that now is all I have. I don't argue as much with myself, I don't resist or fight as much against what I know to be the right thing to do. There is much less temptation to demand myself to stay independent, autonomous. I am so much more thoroughly sold on the absolute futility of blind self-trust. I have substantially accepted the fact that apart from Jesus I can do nothing. It is becoming easier to submit to this spiritual truth as simply the way life works in the kingdom. The hot fires and whipping winds of unbridled youth have been tamed down by the weight of years lived. Heh, this is a good thing and I am embracing it!
An Orthopedic walk in the dark....such a thin place.
Just two days ago I had right knee surgery to cut out some torn, medial meniscus. My long walks of the last year had evidently taken a toll. There was no particular time of injury...it was just the cumulative result of miles upon miles of pursuing a passion for silence and solitude and time with God that my long walks serve so well.
Sandi was my designated driver. Because of covid, she was not allowed to accompany me into the surgery center. She was going to sort of camp out in the Highlander while I had the procedure. It was very early in the morning, pitch dark, quiet, and outside was filled with cold, crisp air. We had a sweet time of chatting in the parking lot...we prayed together. I opened the door and took what turned out to be a significant walk toward what awaited me.
I imagine one would have to understand my mindset to better understand what follows. For some time, my reading and the focus of my desire has revolved around pressing through mere intimacy into a deeper union with Jesus. My grip upon my self, my rights, my way, my me has been being loosened. As such, the fact that I was about to be put asleep brought my focus onto the door of consciousness that I was about to go through. I was voluntarily going to give up my grip on consciously existing and submit to the mysterious world of unconsciousness. As I try and describe it now it seems a bit ridiculous.... maybe overblown? Regardless, that morning, during that walk, I said in my heart goodbye to Sandi, goodbye to my life and consciously surrendered myself into the hands of Father.
It was a holy transaction....a place of weightiness. I was aware of a deep relinquishing of my will and an acceptance of transition into the kingdom reality that awaits. Oh my.... it feels futile to even try and describe the essence of it. Yet I do so to remind myself of the beautiful, peaceful holiness of the surrender I was willing to make if my time here was up. It was profound....it was a sober, peaceful bubble with a backdrop of bitter sweetness for what I was relinquishing...Father was there...I was willing....I guess enough said.
Transition to next chapters...
I believe the recovery process of this recent surgery offers me a sort of natural transition. As for so many, 2020 has been a year that defies description. Lots of loss, plenty of chaos, sources of free anxiety by the handful. My Camino calling unrealized, now freshly mourned, with uncertainty as to whether it may ever be resurrected. As the long dark nights of winter approach, I stand ready for what comes next. My radar shows a fast-approaching season of finally submitting to Sandi's vision of diet and nutrition. Not exactly a heroic move on my part. I do so amid the shambles of sloppy eating habits that have long been candidates for crucifixion.
My dream right now is to receive sufficient healing to regain full walking capacity. To continue in reaching for the 'more' Father has for Sandi and I, to squeeze out what can be had from what we have been given. Time is so much shorter now. Intentionality feels so vital. Consider me woke!
Stay suited up Santiago....the game is not over......
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