Sitting at home on a Friday with time and a desire to write. Trouble is, nothing is tugging on me to write about. Not that the world isn't at least interesting right now if not terrifying. We sit in the midst of a pandemic of Covid 19 and are in the acceleration phase here in the US. Everything is shutting down, cruises, pro sports, Disneyland, churches, there is no toilet paper to be had and social distancing is the strategy of the day. The stock market is down by 30% give or take and there is virtually no segment of the populace that feels untouched by what is happening.
As for our domain, we have pulled back in what seems a prudent effort to lessen exposure to the unseen viral aliens that have descended upon mankind. Have put a hold on Weds volunteering at the mission and Regions, have cancelled going to Camino shell ceremony, have informed house church that until further notice we will not be attending HC or core. Life is in no way going forward as normal for A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y.
So when I say nothing to write about it seems a little strange in some ways. There is a lot of substantive things going on. Yet what is there to write about without having any perspective, a philosophical take on it all, a lucid grasp of a wise course to take or position to hold? And "Yes" I know that I am a citizen of another Kingdom. For that I rejoice to be sure! But at the moment, that alternative citizenship is not affecting my mind or emotions in the ways one might expect or at least hope. I feel flat and unable to grasp the enormity of what I see happening every day. That this is at the very least a peek into and a sniff of what apocalyptic times might be like seems certain.
Some brothers are holding a Zoom prayer time today at 4PM. I think I should avail myself at joining in and at least be in motion toward light rather than just drifting along in the numbing sea. Feels like it's a good time to remember that not everything works best on solo missions. In fact, that seems to be a recurrent theme in my readings and taps on the shoulder from Father. Namely, my propensity toward individualism as opposed to teaming up. Help me here Lord....
Pressing in....pressing in feels right. To run toward the flames and not away. To engage the battle and not to tunnel in. Ok, if that is right where do I go from here Lord? How do I become part of your solution and not part of the problem? Do I shirk the reduction of exposure? I submit myself to you Father afresh. Open my eyes to what you would have me do, think, enforce and pursue. This is all not about me, you are the hero of this story and I belong to you! I put myself at your service Jesus.........
Friday, March 13, 2020
Friday, February 28, 2020
1 + 3 = 1
My experience with writing, albeit limited, has shown me that I love it the most when I am "pregnant" with what feels like some very ripe thought that is just begging to be articulated. The actual composing is almost effortless....the words just fly from the keys and organize themselves into coherent thought. Today is not one of those days. Today brings me a couple of wisps and a vagueness that challenges me to try and express to myself what is lurking in the mental shadows.
I have described myself in part as a recovering hedonist. Yet, it's not just seeking pleasure as an end in itself for me. It is more of a strong pull/desire for transcendence....to go beyond the mere limits of the material world. To discover and experience what is just beyond the curtain, to lose myself in the larger story that has been being told since the beginning of time. To go beyond my pay grade. To lose my "I-ness" in the community of the Kingdom. Mind altering drugs, the first twenty minutes of whisky, first blush of love, birth of a child, a wild thunderstorm can all produce the briefest glimpse of what a loosening of the normal bindings of life can feel like. It is heady stuff. But it disappears so quickly. It leaves me just wanting, wanting more....
This may simply sound like a whining boomer who just wants his Maypo. Perhaps. But now that I have been graced with the benefit of retirement and the gift of time, I find myself increasingly being drawn to a contemplative mindset. The desire for general transcendence has become more specific and is more clearly described by a yearning for intimacy with the Creator of the universe, for union with Christ, the merging of my branch into the Vine. To lose my constant use of myself as a universal reference point for all that I do and think. To lose my knee-jerk/default strategy of comparing, judging, keeping score etc., ad nauseum, etc. To surrender, to allow myself to be absorbed into the desires and plans I was created to pursue. To regularly, more effortlessly hear the still small voice. To say yes more quickly. To obviate the need for any bit or bridle. To be merged into the community of the Trinitarian dance that has been from the beginning to today.
Smitten is the best word to describe the level of my gratitude for being an eternal son of the Lion of Judah. He has given me tangible experiences of being called up and into something bigger than myself. A seven year opportunity to be part of a band of brothers that fought and prayed together through long weekends in a very "thin place". Of being given a second chance in a blended family after I had brought travesty down upon my domain. Twenty years of learning to navigate the invisible in a career consisting of a net-less tightrope and an "eat what you kill" pay plan. Today, I can humbly testify to the truth that he is not tame but he is good.
Last Saturday, I went for a short walk to see how my hamstring healing was coming along. Trying to start back up slow so went only two miles which ended with some quiet time in the woods. The silent, people-less woods, ready-made for an apprentice contemplative. I found myself intently listening as I asked if Abba may have anything to say to me. A few minutes went by. I looked through an opening in the trees and caught the beautiful arching flight of four, bright white, long-necked geese flying against the backdrop of a maya blue sky. Though four in number, they flew as a single unit in perfect cadence and symmetry. What Lord? Is this for me? .....Yes, one is called up into the three and they fly as one. 1 + 3 = 1. Kingdom math. This is my transcendence for you Santiago.
I have described myself in part as a recovering hedonist. Yet, it's not just seeking pleasure as an end in itself for me. It is more of a strong pull/desire for transcendence....to go beyond the mere limits of the material world. To discover and experience what is just beyond the curtain, to lose myself in the larger story that has been being told since the beginning of time. To go beyond my pay grade. To lose my "I-ness" in the community of the Kingdom. Mind altering drugs, the first twenty minutes of whisky, first blush of love, birth of a child, a wild thunderstorm can all produce the briefest glimpse of what a loosening of the normal bindings of life can feel like. It is heady stuff. But it disappears so quickly. It leaves me just wanting, wanting more....
This may simply sound like a whining boomer who just wants his Maypo. Perhaps. But now that I have been graced with the benefit of retirement and the gift of time, I find myself increasingly being drawn to a contemplative mindset. The desire for general transcendence has become more specific and is more clearly described by a yearning for intimacy with the Creator of the universe, for union with Christ, the merging of my branch into the Vine. To lose my constant use of myself as a universal reference point for all that I do and think. To lose my knee-jerk/default strategy of comparing, judging, keeping score etc., ad nauseum, etc. To surrender, to allow myself to be absorbed into the desires and plans I was created to pursue. To regularly, more effortlessly hear the still small voice. To say yes more quickly. To obviate the need for any bit or bridle. To be merged into the community of the Trinitarian dance that has been from the beginning to today.
Smitten is the best word to describe the level of my gratitude for being an eternal son of the Lion of Judah. He has given me tangible experiences of being called up and into something bigger than myself. A seven year opportunity to be part of a band of brothers that fought and prayed together through long weekends in a very "thin place". Of being given a second chance in a blended family after I had brought travesty down upon my domain. Twenty years of learning to navigate the invisible in a career consisting of a net-less tightrope and an "eat what you kill" pay plan. Today, I can humbly testify to the truth that he is not tame but he is good.
Last Saturday, I went for a short walk to see how my hamstring healing was coming along. Trying to start back up slow so went only two miles which ended with some quiet time in the woods. The silent, people-less woods, ready-made for an apprentice contemplative. I found myself intently listening as I asked if Abba may have anything to say to me. A few minutes went by. I looked through an opening in the trees and caught the beautiful arching flight of four, bright white, long-necked geese flying against the backdrop of a maya blue sky. Though four in number, they flew as a single unit in perfect cadence and symmetry. What Lord? Is this for me? .....Yes, one is called up into the three and they fly as one. 1 + 3 = 1. Kingdom math. This is my transcendence for you Santiago.
Saturday, February 8, 2020
93 year old Pop Quiz
Insight is a wonderful thing. I get some every so often and it blesses me to my core because I know from where it comes. It was Thursday and I ventured out to a most unpleasant venue....a mall. Why? Because it housed a JC Penney's and a Macy's, both of which carry a wide selection of Levis jeans. I was on the hunt for some jeans like I used to buy with a classic cut and no "extra room in the seat or thigh". Those parts of me don't need extra room....it's above the belt where the issues lie.
But I digress. The JCP clerk told me to head downstairs but to take the elevator as the down escalator was under repair. Off I went, pushed the down button and waited....waited for what seemed to be an extra long time. Finally the door slowly opened and out tottered an old man, bent over, with a quad-cane in his right hand and a package in his left. I passed by him as I entered the elevator and as I passed him he looked at me and, as he thrust the package toward me, said "Here, carry this for me to the front door". Wow, didn't see this coming.....
So what transpired in my mind took about 3-5 seconds. It started ugly. I could hear "Say what? Who do you think I am, a personal assistant? But then Kingdom sanity broke in and I was aware of a "Wait a minute! I've seen this before.....my answer is to simply say OK and accommodate him. I had failed a similar Pop Quiz at the mission some months before and was shown a painful side of my false self. Here was another go at it. I muttered out a somewhat reluctant OK (it was a weak assent, not a glorious be-ready-in-all-circumstances,victorious "Absolutely!").
While we walked to the "front door", I was able to re-order my selfish emotions, get them shut up and seated and walk as a servant, not as a man who is in the middle of his own circle of life. He said he was 93 and it was hard to get around but he could still get out some and he had gotten some fantastic bargains and it was all possible because he had never been a drinking man. Phew, all in one breath! We turned a corner and there was a younger woman with the look of someone looking for someone. I presume it was his daughter. She looked at me with a somewhat puzzled look. I gave her the package and simply said "He asked me to carry this for him." No thank you's, no graceful good-byes. Simply an abrupt conclusion to what I call a spiritual Pop Quiz.
My walk these days has me squarely in an arena that sounds like this: I am a branch in desperate need to be fused with the Vine of life. I have finally accepted the fact that...."apart from me you can do nothing." (Seven decades to accept this fact is hardly a world record!) As a branch, my choice isn't an optional decision. Not being able to do anything is the starkest of statements as to what my chances are away from the Vine.
One of the books I find myself soaking in is Frank Laubach's Letters by a Modern Mystic. The heart of what he shares in this book connects with my deepest pools. In today's reading he said if asked his chief difficulty in serving the people group he was called to, his answer is: " No chief difficulty really except to keep ready spiritually." (Italics mine) And, as declared in the paragraph above, my being ready will never be accomplished through greater personal effort....but only by a dynamic abiding in the Vine who came to rescue me and restore me into who I am meant to be...to give me the wherewithal to "be ready spiritually".
Abiding is a particularly winsome type of activity. It has much more to do with not doing, certainly not striving. A kind of none active activity I mostly appreciate the Pop Quizzes. While having nothing to do with getting an A or advancing to the next grade, they serve as a potent reminder and provide some feedback on the quality of my abiding. Santiago, although I understand it's not about getting grades, nevertheless, I personally see you getting a C- on the quiz containing a 93 year old Jesus. While there are miles to go, you didn't get an F this time! Rejoice! Abide!
But I digress. The JCP clerk told me to head downstairs but to take the elevator as the down escalator was under repair. Off I went, pushed the down button and waited....waited for what seemed to be an extra long time. Finally the door slowly opened and out tottered an old man, bent over, with a quad-cane in his right hand and a package in his left. I passed by him as I entered the elevator and as I passed him he looked at me and, as he thrust the package toward me, said "Here, carry this for me to the front door". Wow, didn't see this coming.....
So what transpired in my mind took about 3-5 seconds. It started ugly. I could hear "Say what? Who do you think I am, a personal assistant? But then Kingdom sanity broke in and I was aware of a "Wait a minute! I've seen this before.....my answer is to simply say OK and accommodate him. I had failed a similar Pop Quiz at the mission some months before and was shown a painful side of my false self. Here was another go at it. I muttered out a somewhat reluctant OK (it was a weak assent, not a glorious be-ready-in-all-circumstances,victorious "Absolutely!").
While we walked to the "front door", I was able to re-order my selfish emotions, get them shut up and seated and walk as a servant, not as a man who is in the middle of his own circle of life. He said he was 93 and it was hard to get around but he could still get out some and he had gotten some fantastic bargains and it was all possible because he had never been a drinking man. Phew, all in one breath! We turned a corner and there was a younger woman with the look of someone looking for someone. I presume it was his daughter. She looked at me with a somewhat puzzled look. I gave her the package and simply said "He asked me to carry this for him." No thank you's, no graceful good-byes. Simply an abrupt conclusion to what I call a spiritual Pop Quiz.
My walk these days has me squarely in an arena that sounds like this: I am a branch in desperate need to be fused with the Vine of life. I have finally accepted the fact that...."apart from me you can do nothing." (Seven decades to accept this fact is hardly a world record!) As a branch, my choice isn't an optional decision. Not being able to do anything is the starkest of statements as to what my chances are away from the Vine.
One of the books I find myself soaking in is Frank Laubach's Letters by a Modern Mystic. The heart of what he shares in this book connects with my deepest pools. In today's reading he said if asked his chief difficulty in serving the people group he was called to, his answer is: " No chief difficulty really except to keep ready spiritually." (Italics mine) And, as declared in the paragraph above, my being ready will never be accomplished through greater personal effort....but only by a dynamic abiding in the Vine who came to rescue me and restore me into who I am meant to be...to give me the wherewithal to "be ready spiritually".
Abiding is a particularly winsome type of activity. It has much more to do with not doing, certainly not striving. A kind of none active activity I mostly appreciate the Pop Quizzes. While having nothing to do with getting an A or advancing to the next grade, they serve as a potent reminder and provide some feedback on the quality of my abiding. Santiago, although I understand it's not about getting grades, nevertheless, I personally see you getting a C- on the quiz containing a 93 year old Jesus. While there are miles to go, you didn't get an F this time! Rejoice! Abide!
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Thoughts on being 'missional'
My question today is whether or not this everyday guy, bereft of M.Div,, Dr.Div or any other type of theological sheepskin, might dare attempt to add clarity to the fuzziness that seems so often to surround the use of the word 'missional' in today's Christian communities. Not knowing the answer in advance of attempting to say some words about it, I have decided to give it a whirl.
As part of a house church of around 30 followers of Jesus, we hold as one of our commitments to: "actively live as missional witnesses by displaying agape love and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom to those in need, those in our relational networks, and those in local or global neighborhoods as God leads." As we continue in our meeting together and maturing as a body, we are often a bit troubled by feelings of not adequately fulfilling this commitment.
Some of that troubled feeling can be in response to feeling too inner-focused on our weekly meetings and growth as a community. It is as if "being missional" is some kind of separate activity that lies outside our focus on covenant family, mutual ministry, gifts of the spirit and spiritual disciplines, However, being missional is far more broad than just the proclamation of the salvation message on a street corner. The Missio Dei is not merely a message of words to be heard and believed. It is far more organic than that! It is to establish the image of God on earth as it is in heaven and to do so through agape communities that reflect the character of God and that function as a living reality that others can see,experience and be invited into.
Thus, all of our daily walk with God is a part of being missional, part of helping us carry on the mission of Jesus. If we are going to "go out", to "be sent" into the world to witness to the kingdom of God on earth we must embody the reality of the good news of the kingdom both personally and as a community or we really have nothing to offer others.'
It seems good to see the order of how this all works. As an individual, I submit myself to Jesus and invite him into my life each day to transform me into his image. I do this by giving our relationship time each day, through following spiritual disciplines, and by pursing and developing the spiritual gifts that have been given to me. On a weekly basis, I meet together with my core group of 3-5, our house church and bring what I have heard and am learning in a spirit of mutual submission and mutual responsibility. As I join others in this, by Gods' grace, our community grows and matures and becomes and ever increasing reflection of the kingdom of God on earth as it is in heaven.
Being mindful of the great commission, I can now go out into the world and bring the good news of the kingdom and invite others in to become disciples of Christ. But let's be real, this is easier said than done. We live in a post-Christian culture and most non-believers are deaf to the relevancy of Jesus' invitation to become part of a spiritual, redeemed kingdom (the dome in which God is King).
So sharing the kingdom with others is going to flow more through how others experience me as a fellow human. They will notice how I am, how I conduct myself, whether I seem authentic in my caring and my engaging them with active listening and good questions. In this case, I am the gospel and I share it through my actions and behavior more than through words. And when I do speak, the alignment of what I say with how I live will definitely go under the microscope. Still easier said than done but being an embodiment of the gospel is going to beat merely speaking about the gospel every time.
This is how I see it at this stage of my sojourn which as described earlier as being in the bottom of the 7th and I have just touched or rounded 3rd base. My current way of thinking is now captured in this post and I will see how it stands the test of time. If it doesn't, it won't be the first time I have returned to a prior writing and been totally embarrassed about how I once thought. Time will tell.....
Thanks for dropping by Santiago....you are welcome anytime....
As part of a house church of around 30 followers of Jesus, we hold as one of our commitments to: "actively live as missional witnesses by displaying agape love and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom to those in need, those in our relational networks, and those in local or global neighborhoods as God leads." As we continue in our meeting together and maturing as a body, we are often a bit troubled by feelings of not adequately fulfilling this commitment.
Some of that troubled feeling can be in response to feeling too inner-focused on our weekly meetings and growth as a community. It is as if "being missional" is some kind of separate activity that lies outside our focus on covenant family, mutual ministry, gifts of the spirit and spiritual disciplines, However, being missional is far more broad than just the proclamation of the salvation message on a street corner. The Missio Dei is not merely a message of words to be heard and believed. It is far more organic than that! It is to establish the image of God on earth as it is in heaven and to do so through agape communities that reflect the character of God and that function as a living reality that others can see,experience and be invited into.
Thus, all of our daily walk with God is a part of being missional, part of helping us carry on the mission of Jesus. If we are going to "go out", to "be sent" into the world to witness to the kingdom of God on earth we must embody the reality of the good news of the kingdom both personally and as a community or we really have nothing to offer others.'
It seems good to see the order of how this all works. As an individual, I submit myself to Jesus and invite him into my life each day to transform me into his image. I do this by giving our relationship time each day, through following spiritual disciplines, and by pursing and developing the spiritual gifts that have been given to me. On a weekly basis, I meet together with my core group of 3-5, our house church and bring what I have heard and am learning in a spirit of mutual submission and mutual responsibility. As I join others in this, by Gods' grace, our community grows and matures and becomes and ever increasing reflection of the kingdom of God on earth as it is in heaven.
Being mindful of the great commission, I can now go out into the world and bring the good news of the kingdom and invite others in to become disciples of Christ. But let's be real, this is easier said than done. We live in a post-Christian culture and most non-believers are deaf to the relevancy of Jesus' invitation to become part of a spiritual, redeemed kingdom (the dome in which God is King).
So sharing the kingdom with others is going to flow more through how others experience me as a fellow human. They will notice how I am, how I conduct myself, whether I seem authentic in my caring and my engaging them with active listening and good questions. In this case, I am the gospel and I share it through my actions and behavior more than through words. And when I do speak, the alignment of what I say with how I live will definitely go under the microscope. Still easier said than done but being an embodiment of the gospel is going to beat merely speaking about the gospel every time.
This is how I see it at this stage of my sojourn which as described earlier as being in the bottom of the 7th and I have just touched or rounded 3rd base. My current way of thinking is now captured in this post and I will see how it stands the test of time. If it doesn't, it won't be the first time I have returned to a prior writing and been totally embarrassed about how I once thought. Time will tell.....
Thanks for dropping by Santiago....you are welcome anytime....
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Camino considerations....Part 2
So I did let my initial Camino writing simmer for a good while. When I read it I did have a bit more clarity. Especially about whether this is legitimately something that I am to actually embark upon. I think Yes, this is a real invitation and my main hesitancy seems to come from my own self doubts and internal fears, not whether or nor Father is actually inviting me....I believe he is and I feel even less comfortable saying No than proceeding. I am currently circling the process of buying a ticket either on my own or via Ted Groat (although that option is looking questionable right now).
Since last writing I have had to come to grips with what has been a chronic hamstring/right piriformis issue. First couple of miles up to 5 miles are OK but then the muscles tightening and the pain in the right butt get to be quite distracting. My concern is that just stretching and trying to keep on walking through it is not getting me to the improvement I will need for a successful Camino.
But these physical hiccups have brought me to a new agreement with myself re: the Camino. I do not require myself to walk each step from St. Jean to Santiago. For that matter, not even sure if I have to start in St. Jean. My goal is to do the entire Camino by whatever means necessary to complete and a combination of walking, resting and busing may be what "my Camino" turns out to be. AND THAT IS OK!! For that matter, maybe I don't even do the Pyrenees at all, maybe I start in Roncesvalles. That is not what I hope for but I have put my inner slave-driver on notice that he is not in charge. My Camino, my meeting up with Jess will occur on the terms Jesus provides for me regardless of how that turns out.
Meanwhile, I am taking steps to address my chronic ham/piriformis situation. I am going to stop my walking now for up to 8 weeks to let a total healing take place. That puts my next walk....and a short one to ease me back in, on or about Paul's birthday, March 12. For now, I will have to turn to the distasteful regimen of swimming and maybe lifting. I will also be making an appointment with Mitch to assess my alignment to see if there is anything in that regard that is contributing to my problems.
My latest wrinkle/consideration is that I went on Booking.com app to check on availability at Roncesvalles alburgue and it is already booked for Sept 8,9. Yikes, has Camino spiked in popularity so much as to make getting a room a major problem....time will tell but I think I will rethink booking an airline ticket at this point until I find our more info.
So the Camino provides! Within five hours from writing the above paragraph things have a totally different outlook. My Camino angel, Jim McCaffrey has agreed to meet me today, 1/21/20 at 2:30 to help me actually book St. Jean, Orisson and Roncesvalles for Sept 7,8,9. If this goes as planned I will solidify flight itinerary sent by Ted Groat for approx $820 and the die will be cast. Thank you Father for guiding me into these apparent solutions!! I will update this after this afternoon with what transpires......
A couple hours with my Camino angel, Jim McCaffrey, has me reservations at Beilari in St. Jean, Orisson and Roncesvalles. I will stay in Pamplona (will need to make reservations there) on the night of the 7th of Sept., bus to St Jean on the 8th and stay at Beilari and then head for Orisson on the 9th and Roncesvalles on the 10th. I also had Ted Groat book the missionary fare flights on Am Airlines.
THE DIE IS CAST!!
Since last writing I have had to come to grips with what has been a chronic hamstring/right piriformis issue. First couple of miles up to 5 miles are OK but then the muscles tightening and the pain in the right butt get to be quite distracting. My concern is that just stretching and trying to keep on walking through it is not getting me to the improvement I will need for a successful Camino.
But these physical hiccups have brought me to a new agreement with myself re: the Camino. I do not require myself to walk each step from St. Jean to Santiago. For that matter, not even sure if I have to start in St. Jean. My goal is to do the entire Camino by whatever means necessary to complete and a combination of walking, resting and busing may be what "my Camino" turns out to be. AND THAT IS OK!! For that matter, maybe I don't even do the Pyrenees at all, maybe I start in Roncesvalles. That is not what I hope for but I have put my inner slave-driver on notice that he is not in charge. My Camino, my meeting up with Jess will occur on the terms Jesus provides for me regardless of how that turns out.
Meanwhile, I am taking steps to address my chronic ham/piriformis situation. I am going to stop my walking now for up to 8 weeks to let a total healing take place. That puts my next walk....and a short one to ease me back in, on or about Paul's birthday, March 12. For now, I will have to turn to the distasteful regimen of swimming and maybe lifting. I will also be making an appointment with Mitch to assess my alignment to see if there is anything in that regard that is contributing to my problems.
My latest wrinkle/consideration is that I went on Booking.com app to check on availability at Roncesvalles alburgue and it is already booked for Sept 8,9. Yikes, has Camino spiked in popularity so much as to make getting a room a major problem....time will tell but I think I will rethink booking an airline ticket at this point until I find our more info.
So the Camino provides! Within five hours from writing the above paragraph things have a totally different outlook. My Camino angel, Jim McCaffrey has agreed to meet me today, 1/21/20 at 2:30 to help me actually book St. Jean, Orisson and Roncesvalles for Sept 7,8,9. If this goes as planned I will solidify flight itinerary sent by Ted Groat for approx $820 and the die will be cast. Thank you Father for guiding me into these apparent solutions!! I will update this after this afternoon with what transpires......
A couple hours with my Camino angel, Jim McCaffrey, has me reservations at Beilari in St. Jean, Orisson and Roncesvalles. I will stay in Pamplona (will need to make reservations there) on the night of the 7th of Sept., bus to St Jean on the 8th and stay at Beilari and then head for Orisson on the 9th and Roncesvalles on the 10th. I also had Ted Groat book the missionary fare flights on Am Airlines.
THE DIE IS CAST!!
Monday, January 20, 2020
And then entered the idea of Camino
For months now I have been pretty absorbed by all things related to the Camino de Santiago. Starting innocently enough with my second viewing of the movie The Way with Martin Sheen, I turned to Sandi about 45 minutes in and naively said "I am going to do this". I have been smitten to varying levels ever since and have now come here to thrash through and make more sense of the myriad of mental fragments that are a swirlin'!
Over time, the sort of casualness of my almost flippant "I am going to do this" comment has morphed significantly. The Camino has shown itself to be not just my idea but an invitation from Father. An invitation to go with him on a long walk across northern Spain. To marry a grand, 6 week challenge with my pursuit of vine/branch intimacy in a truly epic adventure smack dab between third base and home. Phew! I did not see this coming!!
After getting a green light from Sandi, hearing the kudos of many admiring well-wishers and finding a community of like-minded pilgrims at APOC, much of the initial euphoria has passed I am left with a sober sense of the realities associated with actually doing this. Can my 72/73 yo body actually walk 12 - 15 miles a day for 6 days a week for 5 or 6 weeks? Can/should I voluntarily separate myself from the daily responsibilities and nurturing of my daily life? Other than my time in CA as a hedonistic, would-be hippie, I have no experience that even approaches such a possibility.
Am I being selfish? Is this just a return to life being about me with no regard to those who depend on me? Is this an entirely outlandish, unnecessary risk? Is this fostered by an end-of-life crisis similar to the mid-life variety often seen in men? Am I deluding myself in thinking that Jesus is actually calling me to this? Is Jess joining me in Sarria fueling what is in actuality a mere pipe dream?
I have done enough of the preliminary research to understand necessary equipment, travel arrangements that would need to be made, timing of the trip (Sept 6 to Oct 21 or 22?), paying bills ahead, Scott might cut my grass, etc., etc. The reality of jumping off the perfectly good airplane faces me now. Buying the ticket, casting the die. I guess counting the cost is not a bad idea. But the range of potential cost is vast....ranging from getting temporarily lost to having my lifeless body (ashes) shipped back to the U.S. How crushing to have to return early because I couldn't mentally/emotionally cut it! That would be a tough sort of last chapter legacy to have to own.....
So I come here to name it, confess it, to thrash around with it. Jesus, are you actually in this? Are you indeed giving me the gift of a late inning epic calling to such an adventure? Do I have kingdom permission to say Yes? I will pause here and let this simmer. When I come back and read the above I ask for clarity from you to either back me off or push me over the edge. Either way Lord, I must decrease and you must increase.
Over time, the sort of casualness of my almost flippant "I am going to do this" comment has morphed significantly. The Camino has shown itself to be not just my idea but an invitation from Father. An invitation to go with him on a long walk across northern Spain. To marry a grand, 6 week challenge with my pursuit of vine/branch intimacy in a truly epic adventure smack dab between third base and home. Phew! I did not see this coming!!
After getting a green light from Sandi, hearing the kudos of many admiring well-wishers and finding a community of like-minded pilgrims at APOC, much of the initial euphoria has passed I am left with a sober sense of the realities associated with actually doing this. Can my 72/73 yo body actually walk 12 - 15 miles a day for 6 days a week for 5 or 6 weeks? Can/should I voluntarily separate myself from the daily responsibilities and nurturing of my daily life? Other than my time in CA as a hedonistic, would-be hippie, I have no experience that even approaches such a possibility.
Am I being selfish? Is this just a return to life being about me with no regard to those who depend on me? Is this an entirely outlandish, unnecessary risk? Is this fostered by an end-of-life crisis similar to the mid-life variety often seen in men? Am I deluding myself in thinking that Jesus is actually calling me to this? Is Jess joining me in Sarria fueling what is in actuality a mere pipe dream?
I have done enough of the preliminary research to understand necessary equipment, travel arrangements that would need to be made, timing of the trip (Sept 6 to Oct 21 or 22?), paying bills ahead, Scott might cut my grass, etc., etc. The reality of jumping off the perfectly good airplane faces me now. Buying the ticket, casting the die. I guess counting the cost is not a bad idea. But the range of potential cost is vast....ranging from getting temporarily lost to having my lifeless body (ashes) shipped back to the U.S. How crushing to have to return early because I couldn't mentally/emotionally cut it! That would be a tough sort of last chapter legacy to have to own.....
So I come here to name it, confess it, to thrash around with it. Jesus, are you actually in this? Are you indeed giving me the gift of a late inning epic calling to such an adventure? Do I have kingdom permission to say Yes? I will pause here and let this simmer. When I come back and read the above I ask for clarity from you to either back me off or push me over the edge. Either way Lord, I must decrease and you must increase.
Sunday, January 12, 2020
Purpose heh? Part 2 of 2
Ok, baseball-related metaphor: If each base is roughly 24 years, then at my age I am right at third base. Might be a few feet in front of it or, perhaps, I have even just rounded it. The point is that if home plate is the end/goal of this sojourn through life then I have completed 75% of the journey. It's taken some time and in baseball time I expect I am presently right around the bottoem of the seventh inning. Of course this is assuming I get to play all nine innings.... that nothing comes onto the stage that would rob me of the last bits of my ballgame.
On one hand, this can just be viewed as a matter-of-fact piece of reality. But that is not how it came to me. I was cruising through life with nary a thought as to where I was in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't until retirement came along, some time of brooding reflection occurred, and a friend or two received life-threatening diagnoses that I was slapped into a sober awareness of just where I was presently situated in the game of life. Prior to this, I was blissfully just grinding along as though the world was indeed my oyster and my quiver was chock-full of an endless supply of tomorrows.
So coming to grips with where I am in the sojourn helps foster an eternal perspective. Not because of any inherent spiritual or philosophical skill sets I possess. It's simply a fact that the sand is running out of the temporal hour glass and focusing on mere passing fancies just doesn't hold my interest any longer. John 15:5 opened up to me one recent day and it has made all the difference "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
It's the last part of that verse that has jumped out at me and has been informing my entire outlook, my reality, my prioritization of life. If I can indeed do nothing apart from him then my entire mission in life is to eliminate being apart from him. Intimacy with Christ cannot be a mere sentiment or distant, lofty goal. It must become the fibers of each day I am given and I must be open to ruthlessly eliminating all that would make me believe the lie of self-sufficiency.
A challenge is that this can all seem so idealistic, so apparently non-attainable, so utterly dependent on someone outside of myself to make it happen. What could be less pragmatic? "Heh Santiago, what have you been up to lately? Oh, pursuing intimacy with Christ, increasing the radical aspects of my surrender and dependence on Christ. Nothing really special......" Zowsa!! And yet, yep, that is the conclusion I have reached based on the impossibility of doing anything of any kingdom value apart from him.
So how to proceed given that my outlook finds me peering into such a misty vista that reappears afresh each day. Coupled with my addiction to producing a sense of daily accomplishment serves only to make it all the more uncomfortable and disorienting. Now that I have achieved the elusive goal of retirement, many of the things that used to serve to make me feel useful and productive are gone. Much of my life has been chimerical. I now stand more exposed as a human being....the Wizard's curtain now removed. No more career and related activities to serve as a sort of stand-in for feeling good about myself. Now, my identity feels more bare naked, sometimes squirming under the noon-day sun with nowhere to hide.
It's normally a bad thing to be backed into a corner. But now, I'm not so sure that Jesus hasn't apprehended me, opened my eyes to the reality that is his for me. I'm sure resistance is futile....I only don't want to fight against it any longer. Apart from Jesus, I can do nothing so my life must focus on ruthlessly eliminating everything Jesus points out to me that is keeping us apart.
Lord, protect me from losing my focus on this truth. There is no next thing calling me that is more critical than the union point of my branch to your vine. Father, I believe I yearn to be part of the triune dance. Give me the drive and energy to stay on this trail that brings me closer to you. Purge me of all false lovers and every impostor offering easier, counterfeit versions of such an intimacy . Bring me the fellowship of like-minded pilgrims who are in sync with seeing things similarly. Have your way in my transformation Holy Spirit....you know what I am intended to be, you have the way of my transformation into your image fully in mind. It's to you I surrender my self-efforts and all artificial trappings designed only to impress and fool others.
Play ball!
So coming to grips with where I am in the sojourn helps foster an eternal perspective. Not because of any inherent spiritual or philosophical skill sets I possess. It's simply a fact that the sand is running out of the temporal hour glass and focusing on mere passing fancies just doesn't hold my interest any longer. John 15:5 opened up to me one recent day and it has made all the difference "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
It's the last part of that verse that has jumped out at me and has been informing my entire outlook, my reality, my prioritization of life. If I can indeed do nothing apart from him then my entire mission in life is to eliminate being apart from him. Intimacy with Christ cannot be a mere sentiment or distant, lofty goal. It must become the fibers of each day I am given and I must be open to ruthlessly eliminating all that would make me believe the lie of self-sufficiency.
A challenge is that this can all seem so idealistic, so apparently non-attainable, so utterly dependent on someone outside of myself to make it happen. What could be less pragmatic? "Heh Santiago, what have you been up to lately? Oh, pursuing intimacy with Christ, increasing the radical aspects of my surrender and dependence on Christ. Nothing really special......" Zowsa!! And yet, yep, that is the conclusion I have reached based on the impossibility of doing anything of any kingdom value apart from him.
So how to proceed given that my outlook finds me peering into such a misty vista that reappears afresh each day. Coupled with my addiction to producing a sense of daily accomplishment serves only to make it all the more uncomfortable and disorienting. Now that I have achieved the elusive goal of retirement, many of the things that used to serve to make me feel useful and productive are gone. Much of my life has been chimerical. I now stand more exposed as a human being....the Wizard's curtain now removed. No more career and related activities to serve as a sort of stand-in for feeling good about myself. Now, my identity feels more bare naked, sometimes squirming under the noon-day sun with nowhere to hide.
It's normally a bad thing to be backed into a corner. But now, I'm not so sure that Jesus hasn't apprehended me, opened my eyes to the reality that is his for me. I'm sure resistance is futile....I only don't want to fight against it any longer. Apart from Jesus, I can do nothing so my life must focus on ruthlessly eliminating everything Jesus points out to me that is keeping us apart.
Lord, protect me from losing my focus on this truth. There is no next thing calling me that is more critical than the union point of my branch to your vine. Father, I believe I yearn to be part of the triune dance. Give me the drive and energy to stay on this trail that brings me closer to you. Purge me of all false lovers and every impostor offering easier, counterfeit versions of such an intimacy . Bring me the fellowship of like-minded pilgrims who are in sync with seeing things similarly. Have your way in my transformation Holy Spirit....you know what I am intended to be, you have the way of my transformation into your image fully in mind. It's to you I surrender my self-efforts and all artificial trappings designed only to impress and fool others.
Play ball!
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