And now, for something completely different...

What a journey this life of ours is, heh!? Six weeks go by since last posting and every time it came to my mind it just seemed like the blog thing had played itself out. It felt (feels?) like I processed and regurgitated some past life things and I had said what was there to say. Trying to talk about the present is such a different animal. I keep thinking that I lack enough clarity or perspective on 'now' stuff to even attempt writing about it...like everything is quite jello-like/ever morphing and anything I might have to say would just be obviated within days or weeks anyway so why even go there. Kind of like the weather, if you don't like today's come back tomorrow...it will be different.

But I'm back today clattering the keyboard because a passionate breeze has captured my attention and I want to pay it heed...to give it some expression, to breathe some life into it. Why? Because it seems just too vital to let it pass and die a natural death. Or worse, to intentionally assassinate it and bury it in the great graveyard of personal disappointments and various failures to launch.

I hurt.....Deep inside I ache. I am aware even of rage. I want more! I must have more! (Just above I said a "passionate breeze has captured my attention". Breeze my ass, it feels more like a frightening tsunami.) I seemed to have stopped just long enough to look inside my rumbling book of life and came away seeing something that just can't go on. I have been living way too long with an attitude of resignation. Somewhere along the path I exchanged daring to desire for the mere discipline of duty. My dutifulness feels not longer sufficient to support life. On the contrary, it squelches it like a dry wind eventually snuffs out the delicate wildflower.

Frankly, I don't see what I am muttering about clearly at all. I feel like a blind man aware he has landed in a not-good-room but clueless just how to find his way out. He taps madly at the confining walls looking for an exit. Similarly, I tap at these lettered keys looking to express what feels elusive, even dangerous.

In just a few months, at least technically, I qualify for early retirement benefits from SS (funny, that's what the Nazi's elite troops were known by).The fact that something about that is comforting pisses me off royally! The resigned me hears the siren call of this particular exit strategy and hungers for something it represents. For the game to be over, for the striving and scrabbling for survival to fade to black. To somehow magically be transported to Playa del Carmen to endlessly gaze at the mesmerizing blue of the Caribbean. Heh, nothing really wrong with all of that on one level but it's not where my true heart lies. I don't want my main desire to be for some kind of cessation! The system of the world feels like it would have me consider being shelved, to take my place in some obscure SKU location in a spent-life warehouse somewhere and live off the best memories I am able to pitifully dredge up. No life in that. It is mislabelled...it's death!

There are questions that are like diagnostic litmus indicators for me. "What makes you come alive?" "What are your passions?" "What do you dream about?" OUCH!! OW! They hurt! The poser in me can come up with answers that sound valid enough but the true me recognizes that my answer drawers are really quite empty in these categories. It feels like they have been robbed, plundered by the stuff of life. No, that's not quite right. That sounds like I've been victimized by some force outside me. More accurately, I have emptied those dream and passion drawers as a twisted strategic response to the lies I have been bamboozled by, the agreements I have made.

Regardless, I am aware that I have been dreamless too long. I have squelched desire too long. It is not in line with how I believe my Creator intended it to be for me. He came that I might have life and to have it abundantly. I confess that I have become aware that I am famished for more life! I must have more life! Jesus, you are the source of my life...that is not religious, that is fact. Here my cry Father and show me where I have missed your yellow brick trail. I fear I have abandoned desire and called it sanctification. Father me along in my desire to re-appropiate your heart vitality, a fresh sense of joy that has been lost. Keep me from prematurely burying this desire to desire for fear of disappointment. Forgive me for not trusting you fully, for my unbelief, for my fear that you are in someway indifferent towards all this. I throw myself into your arms Lord...I am as desperate for what you mean by 'life' as a drowning man for oxygen.

Come Lord Jesus come!