The Holidays

As I look back, it seems that perhaps a blog-o-month has become my stride. It's been almost a year and 20 postings ago that I launched 500' Flyby. Looking back at my original purposes for this blog, I see that "getting things up and out" was listed. That continues to seem an entirely valid reason and leads me to today's posting subject....The Holidays!

Right off the bat, as a warning/disclaimer, I can tell you that this may not be all that edifying to read....informative of some of my history that has produced it's share of gnarliness, pain and a wounded twistedness perhaps but edifying....not so much. For some years, the holiday season has been a difficult time to say the least. It took this negative turn for me commencing in 1990, when I became separated and ultimately divorced in 1992. This seemed to act as a small nuclear bomb in all that had formerly contributed to functional family dynamics. Now all the former patterns and arrangements that had proven to work so well over past holiday seasons seemed to instantly dissolve. They were no longer viable for a variety of reasons - all seemingly having to do with the breakup and loss of my former position as in-house father and husband.

The initial years of this were especially dark and, without wanting to sound too dramatic, very traumatizing to me. It's that trauma from years of struggling with this that rears its ugly head at this time of year seeking to claim me and scuttle all joy. God Bless Norman Rockwell and his lovely paintings of intact families. No problems ever seemed to crop up in Rockwell land. There they are, all around the holiday dinner table, both grandparents are present, Dad is at the head of the table carving the perfectly done bird, quarter-size snow flakes flutter down gently just outside the window. If that for a moment could be considered a "deliverable", it has stood in my mind for years as a picture of something that has been so outside my ability to offer.

Now that my girls are grown, much of the pressure of "Will you have the girls?" (Have no idea, their Mom hasn't committed), "What time can you all be over here?" (Don't even know for sure I'll have the girls with me at all) is mercifully gone. Yet now, I am a member of a blended family (please don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for this blessing). Regardless of all the good, there are now 2 sets of traditions, lots of sensitivity and expectations that are fueled by the history of what was... what things used to be. I confess, it all just overwhelms me in ways I find difficult to pinpoint or articulate but are painful nonetheless.

And then, couple into all of the above a general financial tightness (amidst all the frenzied, consumeristic urgings) and the inability to just throw money at all the sticky bits that refuse to flow and I have myself something that falls far short of my favorite time of the year. Bottom line, high expectations with weak ability to fulfill...a lousy formula in any country or time.

For any who may read this who absolutely adore the holiday season, my sympathies if you have allowed yourself to read all of this. It used to be mine too until my 40's when family circumstances took things in undesirable directions. I bless you in your joy at this time of year!

And so my dilemma, how not to be a 200+ pound wet blanket that shuffles along as a gloom monster hoping mainly for January 2 to get here quickly? How to be a blessing and a sharer of joy while simultaneously being in pain? I've been given lots of advice about all this....ranging from just change your attitude, count your blessings, look at the bright side, take it to the Cross, even the always helpful "just get over it". Really, I feel the need for a deeper healing and a redemptive touch somewhere way inside. I am the best around those to whom I have no obligations, who have no particular expectations. But to those I love the most, my family, I am an internal mess in this season, hoping to keep all my issues bottled up but feeling guilty as I see them too often percolating out and spilling forth a dark, bitter froth into their paths.

Since writing the above paragraphs I've let a day go by and have been trying to get my mind right about how to best live and walk beyond the events of the past. I dumped out some of the crap that I wrestle with and apologize for it's stench. But this just can't be allowed to be the last chapter. Lord, give my a grace note here.....

It seems to me that the world system has shanghaied the birth of Jesus and has sought to relentlessly transform the holidays for its own consumeristic purposes. Why do we so often hear the word "perfect" used in conjunction with the ingredients of the holidays? "This year, give her the perfect gift of love from Shane Jewelers". "Serve the perfect appetizers at you holiday parties by using Kraft products." "Perfectly capture this year's festivities on Canons new 850SX". We get a steady inoculation of perfection as the standard that you should strive for to make this year's holiday season the best ever!

Heh, here's the deal. I resent all the ways that I have bought into wanting to provide the perfect gift, the perfect get-together. It's as if I somehow unwittingly assented to view my life and how I 'do' the holiday through this lens of perfection. The world's system is anxious for me to buy into this, to strive, to mightily chase the perfect whatever for my loved ones. As long as they succeed in manipulating me to manically chase after this unachievable holy grail of perfection, the more likely I will maximize my spending by scurrying after the Norm Rockwell Hallmark version of what every good husband, parent and friend would wish to provide to those they love.

Of course the enemy just sits by and undoubtedly chuckles in all this striving and/or lamenting about not making the grade. One way or the other, the accuser just wants to take me out...the means don't matter. "Just get him pinned down under a blanket of crabbiness or depression....i'm not picky".

So, not sharing the internal struggles that accompany this time of the year for me would be less than transparent. But settling for all this and letting the kingdom of the world define my attitude is just not going to fly this year. Here I am, putting a stake in the ground, saying Yes, there have been painful experiences that brought a number of traumatic years and they are in part associated with the holidays. But No, these don't get to forever define me or how I have to be or feel during the holidays. I reject the myth of perfection the world offers up as an attainable goal.

The fact is that December 25-type Christmas is the creation of Madison Ave. My Saviour was born in a barn, in close proximity to animal shit, and He didn't have the benefit of well-baby visits to the local HMO. He has called me by name, He dares call me His friend, I am His workmanship, created for good works, I am a branch of the true vine. He came to redeem my life from the pit. And for that, I say praise you Jesus for calling me up and out of the kingdom of the world into your eternal Kingdom.

My answer to the wounds of the past are the present eternal truths and my position in the midst of them. I rip my eyes off the billboard pitches and onto Him. I shut my ears to the mad, fast-talking TV pitches and tune them into the still, small voice of He in whom I am hidden.

And to all who may happen by here....Merry Christmas! May the warm, accepting love and concern of Jesus for you and yours encourage your heart in these days.
Peacefully yours,
Santiago