I sit here today with the desire to explore some of what I am currently thinking and where I currently perceive myself to be at this point of my spiritual journey. When I look into this arena it all seems a bit muddled and, if I am honest, I feel a bit disoriented and unsure of myself. Coming to this blog to get down some of what I am experiencing and wondering about is daunting. Why? Because my normal practice is not sitting down to write until I am quite pregnant with something that is just tugging to get out. That infers some degree of clarity. I can then sit down and write somewhat effortlessly and what is inside of me easily pours out of my fingers through the keyboard and onto good ol' 500' Flyby.
Right now I give myself permission to thrash and use words inefficiently, to be ok with making statements that aren't quite right but maybe just kinda close. One physical impediment: just had surgery on right foot and really should have it elevated which is not possible while at my computer.....Pause....Duh!, I have a laptop sitting in docking station. Off I go with that little piece of tech to a more comfortable reclining position. There! That's better!
So some random pebbles that seem relevant to my path follow but in no particular order:
I appreciate the mystics because, to me, they embrace not just the salvation Jesus won for us but also the transformation that is meant to be in operation now and not just after we die. I am created in God's image and his desire is to transform me into that version of me he had in mind from before the foundation of the world (Eph 1). He is doing this from the inside, through his power, as much as my surrender, my self-emptying and my obedience to his light will allow.
I do not find that many of my Christian brethren thinking quite like this. However, men like Merton and Finley, among others, have brought me language and encouragement in this direction toward greater union with Christ. "...apart from me you can do nothing,"" I am the vine, you are the branches"..... These words from Jn 15:5 are what got me started on this path about six years ago as I entered the amazing transition into retirement, the cessation of the work-a-day-world and the gift of huge chunks of time each day that were now freed up. But for what? In a somewhat glib/hubristic manner I landed on "pursuing union with Christ" based on the massive whack I received from the "apart from me you can do nothing" phrase in John.
Now, after much intentional reading of contemplative writers who have managed to leave concrete breadcrumbs in matters mostly very difficult to articulate, I am humbled by all that I seemed to have found. Much of the 'death to self' days of Campus Church in the 70's and 80's largely eluded me...timing was just not right. And yet here I am, 40+ years later picking up some of the very same concepts but this time having a home for them in which to lodge. Timing is everything....
As for fellowship...well, that is a sticky wicket. Currently church-less. That sounds like it should trigger the sirens of a thousand Christian watch towers. And I wouldn't blame them for sounding an alarm. But here's the thing. I just don't trust the evangelical houses of religion, headed by men with clay feet who, in their struggle to remain relevant, have managed to produce outcomes in their membership that the Pew studies are unable to distinguish from the unbelieving public. I realize this sounds aloof but I don't trust myself into the company of parishioners who too often appear to be mostly just going through the motions, taking the form of religion but denying (or evading) the power of it. Now hear me here: It's not that I am better than them! Hell no!! But if I take my place among them I know that I, like water, will ultimately seek the level of that in which I am poured.
So where are my people? I could give a sermon on the need for being in community. Jesus didn't gather 12 disciples together for nothing. For three years he schooled this ragtag band of brothers and then sent them out to bring the good news of his message to the entire world. If the Kingdom of God could be lived out as a lone ranger he could have certainly saved himself the messiness of three years of molding this diverse, motley group who eventually became the first believers in Christ as Messiah. I get it! But where are my people? Is there a church somewhere named Serious House of Transformation?
I am blessed to have a small band of relatively like-minded brethren who are on somewhat similar trajectories. And yet they are not a homogenized body, meeting weekly in some location and available to pursue some level of actually doing life together. They represent what can only be called a very nontraditional, scattered body of Christ.
I recently watched a Carey Nieuwhof podcast with guest John Mark Comer that brought me what appears to be some light.That "so where are my people" line of mine above and the topic of fellowship I wrestle with... Comer and Nieuwhof were discussing some spiritual stage stuff and how the traditional Sunday service can cease to provide what it used to in the earlier days of a believer's journey. I breathed a bit of a sigh of some relief because a. I had never heard any teachers mention this before, b. it confirmed much of what I have been experiencing and c. it redirected my lament/guilt at not having or belonging to a traditional church. Perhaps 'my people' are not clustered in some denominational expression of Christianity. Perhaps my group of intimate friends who know me, all of me, are perfectly sufficient as a serviceable tool in the ongoing spiritual formation of my life in this 4th quarter of the game. Maybe my guilt/uneasiness is just mere anxiety at not looking quite like a basic Christian is supposed to look. Perhaps I just need to not care so much about making others nervous about what my practice looks like at the moment.
I see that what I am trying to talk about here is not of a conciseness that is handled well in the space typical of a blog. Might just have to come back another time to add parts and pieces that aren't percolating up at the moment. But before I stop there is a mental picture that has helped me conceptualize one aspect of my journey. I seek to discover and eradicate the false self of Santiago and trust Jesus to bring me more deeply into the true self he ultimately created me to be. To be willing to die to self, to those independent, autonomous aspects of myself that stand in the way of the Holy Spirit having his transformative way with me.
And what all makes up this false self? The picture I have is of little Jimmy being born with a blank white canvas tied to my ankle. As I go through life I drag that canvas along with me. And as I go, life leaves its marks and impressions upon the canvas. I also leave my marks of various reactions and interpretations of what life doles out. Over the years the canvas fills up with more and more and when I look at the canvas it seems to mirror back to me the message that "This is you Santiago. This is what you look like, how you operate and what you believe." But it is all a lie! A giant deception! It does not depict the truest version of me. I can and must reject identifying this canvas as an accurate picture of who I am and turn back to my life's Author, seeking to be in agreement with and transformed into the image he created me to be.
Like the old pressure cooker my Mom used that had a heavy metal piece loosely sitting on top of a steam relief port, this post helped release a bit of the p.s.i. which has been building. I hope to come back soon to continue the Santiago thrash....
