This life stage inevitably finds me sorting through various shards of life I have been cobbling together. Sometimes consolidation of parts and pieces occur that once seemed random and unconnected. It is exciting when a direction or a pattern appears that seems to tie together several formerly invisible segments of my 70+ year-old story.
I remember in my youth I had definite feelings that I was headed for something good, something special. It was an inexplicable sense as nothing about me, my family or my life gave me any reason to have such a "feeling". Mind you, this sense I had was not a constant presence in my life. It would only show itself to me occasionally, sporadically. I never mentioned it to anyone else. I think I felt like it was nothing I could adequately explain nor did I expect it would be well received by others...ie. "Well aren't you the special one!"
As my so-called career took shape, I sometimes saw victories or opportunities just over the horizon which made me wonder if this or that thing would usher in the 'specialness' for which I believed I was destined. But near misses, lack of confidence and some risk adverseness all ultimately contributed to keeping me squarely in my 'ordinary' lane.
Quite recently, a picture began to form that could only become clear after looking back at an arc that is decades old. This arc, as I now see it, began on my 11th birthday. Mom and dad threw a birthday party for me and a couple of my friends. The featured event was a movie in downtown St.Paul....'The Ten Commandments'. I remember being quite moved by that movie! I distinctly recall leaving the theater, walking in the spring air and feeling smitten by the film. I was not much of a prayer but I remember telling God that I wanted to somehow be a part of what I had just seen. That was it...quite simple really. I had no idea how that might occur but my emotion was real and it left an indelible memory.
Time went on and by late high school and early twenties my life was just too full of pleasure seeking, girl craziness and some friends that triggered and fueled the worst part of Jim (I totally own it was ultimately me and not my friends!). However, on May 19, 1975, at the age of 28, what I now know to be a cataclysmic event occurred. Without belaboring the background and circumstances, I found myself on a dock behind the Lake Harriet band shell at 2:00 AM. I was moved to have an honest state of the union, one-way talk with God about the emptiness of my life and feeling like a BB in a box car, endlessly ricocheting back and forth against the walls of life. Though I appeared to others to be doing well, I knew better. I was ungrounded, aimless and empty.
Miraculously (to me), God opened the eyes of my heart to the fact that Jesus was indeed the Son of God. I responded by giving him my life without any idea of what that really even meant or what to expect. I only remember walking off that dock with a sense of having just transacted a momentous agreement with God. I was excited to go to church so as to worship the person I had just met and heard from for the very first time!
In the ensuing years, of course, a lot of life occurred. Duh! There were my years at Campus Church where I gained my initial growth in becoming a follower of Jesus. Marriage, the birth of Jess and Jenna and my entry into a healthcare career all followed. By the mid-eighties the little foxes in my garden had significantly chewed their way in and I crossed some lines. I ultimately reaped a very dark crop from the dark seeds I had sown. A decade of wandering and being untethered followed.
In 2000 an invitation from Jill H. at North Heights church ultimately brought Sandi into my life and a marriage I had not seen coming. A 2003 Colorado Wild at Heart boot camp led me to an opportunity to step up and into more of what God had for me. Learning about hearing and trusting the voice of Father followed over the next decade. Finally I approached what had never seemed possible...retirement. John 15:5b was opened to me and the desire to pursue a deeper union with the Trinity became my guiding light and life rudder. T.Merton and the mystics (sounds like a 70's rock band) enriched my study. I became a firm believer in getting busy with pursuing a deeper intimacy with Christ now rather than waiting for the sweet by and by. A Camino call came. Covid kicked it to the curb for 3 years but in August, 2023 it was revived and I departed for a solo pilgrimage across Spain. My eyes were further opened...
I sit here typing about the curved line of a 67 year arc which I now see with greater clarity. My loving, gentle, persistent Papa appropriated at least part of my heart early on in my journey. Throughout the years, my belief and commitment to Truth vied with the undisciplined aspects of my free will. With amazing patience and tenacity, Jesus stood by me through every one of my self-serving decisions and their consequences. Slowly, oh-so-slowly, my eyes were opened to what I believe to be the heart of the Gospel and why I believe it is called the "good news". Yes, it is far more than mere salvation (as good as that is!). I was chosen, created in the image of God, to live in union with Him for all eternity. I don't have to wait for death to begin stepping into this destiny. I can pursue a deeper intimacy with Christ now, today, as I more fully surrender the self-centered orientation of my life for a more robust commitment to being a follower of, a disciple of, the Trinity, "...even as he chose us (me) in him before the foundation of the world..."
My pursuit of all this feels so late-in-the-game and so incomplete. It is also not a subject that makes for good conversation with most people. It is difficult to effectively articulate and it is very easily misunderstood. In my experience, organized religion just doesn't adequately address union with Christ in their typical Sunday offerings. But then who could blame them. To preach 'come die to self and follow the mystical Christ' is hardly a message that mass markets well!
Regardless, I am now fully convinced that my early sense of being destined for something special couldn't have been more true. Granted, not in the worldly ways I often found myself looking for it. But now, as the ballgame of life moves toward its conclusion, I am convinced that the promise of eternal life with the Creator of the universe is my reality. I was created in God's image and what is the most true thing about me is my identity in Christ. Although death for me will be the end of my earthly sojourn, it will be the return of Santiago to the very source of my life. To fully step up and into what Father has prepared for me is nothing if not SPECIAL!
