So it's been a while since posting and I am struck by some of the unexpected oddness of blogging that I hadn't anticipated. Matter of fact, it has dampened my initial enthusiasm and caused me serious pause. Turns out there is your blogging public out there who have their thoughts, expectations, feelings etc.. In reading other blogs it's not uncommon to hear the author apologize for being gone too long, maybe offer up some feelings or circumstances that are behind their absence. They are conscious of having some regular readers/commenter's, supporters, even fans who they are conscious of and intentional towards. For many, even most, this is probably just a Duh? but it somehow sets me back on my heels a bit. Why?
I'm embarrassed really to have a dilemma I sense is not particularly common....on one hand I value reading comments and admit to being warmed and uplifted by the kindness of visitors. On the other hand, I find 2 difficulties that really give me the yips...
The first is relatively minor I suppose - in the school of just get over it. That is the maintenance angle of responding to responders. My knee jerk issue is the time it takes to respond but that is false....simple fact is that a quick acknowledgement and comment to a responder just doesn't require much in the way of raw minutes. No, the bigger issue to me is that in order to be intentional about those kind enough to comment requires one to sort of keep track/to be deliberately conscious of a post's comments (..."let's see, did that post have 2 comments last time I checked or was it 3?") to see if anyone new has weighed in lest you unintentionally ignore someone and perhaps add to their life's struggle of diminishment or invisibility or just come off as a rude, unappreciative dolt.
The second and really core issue for me is just the awareness of others, of an audience. And not just some amorphous, non-descript audience. They have names and personalities and profiles and styles and unsurpassable worth and somehow the fact they are there just seems to trip me up a bit. I am aware of a certain editing going on in my head, a kind of a governor on my writing engine. So, if transparency is a goal of mine, I guess this is my way of confessing to the encroachment of that dreaded disease of "people-pleasing", of "not wanting to offend", of "wanting to be liked". Yuk! How did I end up here? Where's the freakin' couch and the Valium when you need it? Medic!!!
My potential solutions range from just setting up this blog so it can receive no comments (not sure you can do this but I've heard you can) to learning to not let this be an issue and just bull full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes! Or, to just blogging without entering the 'community' as a participating member. To forgo being a new applicant for 'community' citizenship. Do I just electronically, unilaterally journal in a public forum or do I attempt to contribute to the community as a bilaterally participating member??
The blogging community I have been made aware of (mainly through the lists that appear on DK and TC's sites) has been amazing and rich. As a non-commenting lurker, I have been blessed by reading such talented writers and their pulling back of the veil that often makes me laugh and cry and sometimes just blush by being present as they offer their transparency. I find myself thinking, "Is it OK for me even being here and reading this?" It many times seems so private and personal. As I expressed to one of you, I'm scared I may be turning into a woman! DC, help! Where are the sticks and balls? Bring em' quick!
All this blabbering on to say that please bear with me. (Who are you talking to here Santiago?) Well, to both myself and any who happen to trip on into this little cup of murky reflection. It's like a little stone in my blogging shoe and it needs to come out so the journey can continue....
I'm embarrassed really to have a dilemma I sense is not particularly common....on one hand I value reading comments and admit to being warmed and uplifted by the kindness of visitors. On the other hand, I find 2 difficulties that really give me the yips...
The first is relatively minor I suppose - in the school of just get over it. That is the maintenance angle of responding to responders. My knee jerk issue is the time it takes to respond but that is false....simple fact is that a quick acknowledgement and comment to a responder just doesn't require much in the way of raw minutes. No, the bigger issue to me is that in order to be intentional about those kind enough to comment requires one to sort of keep track/to be deliberately conscious of a post's comments (..."let's see, did that post have 2 comments last time I checked or was it 3?") to see if anyone new has weighed in lest you unintentionally ignore someone and perhaps add to their life's struggle of diminishment or invisibility or just come off as a rude, unappreciative dolt.
The second and really core issue for me is just the awareness of others, of an audience. And not just some amorphous, non-descript audience. They have names and personalities and profiles and styles and unsurpassable worth and somehow the fact they are there just seems to trip me up a bit. I am aware of a certain editing going on in my head, a kind of a governor on my writing engine. So, if transparency is a goal of mine, I guess this is my way of confessing to the encroachment of that dreaded disease of "people-pleasing", of "not wanting to offend", of "wanting to be liked". Yuk! How did I end up here? Where's the freakin' couch and the Valium when you need it? Medic!!!
My potential solutions range from just setting up this blog so it can receive no comments (not sure you can do this but I've heard you can) to learning to not let this be an issue and just bull full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes! Or, to just blogging without entering the 'community' as a participating member. To forgo being a new applicant for 'community' citizenship. Do I just electronically, unilaterally journal in a public forum or do I attempt to contribute to the community as a bilaterally participating member??
The blogging community I have been made aware of (mainly through the lists that appear on DK and TC's sites) has been amazing and rich. As a non-commenting lurker, I have been blessed by reading such talented writers and their pulling back of the veil that often makes me laugh and cry and sometimes just blush by being present as they offer their transparency. I find myself thinking, "Is it OK for me even being here and reading this?" It many times seems so private and personal. As I expressed to one of you, I'm scared I may be turning into a woman! DC, help! Where are the sticks and balls? Bring em' quick!
All this blabbering on to say that please bear with me. (Who are you talking to here Santiago?) Well, to both myself and any who happen to trip on into this little cup of murky reflection. It's like a little stone in my blogging shoe and it needs to come out so the journey can continue....
Really, this is embarrassing.....but it's there....
8 comments:
shake out those pebbles and walk on brother at your own pace. just enjoy the sights and sounds and insights and such....
there are no shoulds or should nots about commenting or posting. practically speaking though, if you want to not have to keep track manually you can set up your profile to email you when someone comments on your blog...and you can check that handy little box when you comment on another's blog to be emailed follow-up comments. not sure if that helps with that dilemma of should and should not but it does help automate it for ya. when i first started commenting i didn't know about that little check box...it made me feel a little OCD trying to keep up so that discovery (thanks tc) brought some level of sanity ~ but again, no expectations! i consider it pure joy when i get to read a jc comment because you are fun and insightful and transparent and valid and raw and real but seriously, not piling on any expectations. period.
love you santiago...all systems go as you will.
this is your space and you can do whatever you like with it. you really can decide to not comment on comments (many do this)or you can disable comments completely.
but i don't think that's really what's giving you the creeps. it's that sensation of being watched, of people judging or misunderstanding or whatever. it's that sensation that you may be changing what you meant to say or presenting yourself as something other than who you really are based on this audience. i can't really help you with that. i feel it too. i can't count the number of times i've contemplated blogicide. some day i may just jump off that cliff. but i'm with di...i like it that you're here and that you're being yourself as much as anyone can be with someone peeking over your shoulder. peace brother.
I think that Di and Terri have said it all. And Di's comments on the automation part are really good, they saved my sanity too!
For me, I don't mind what you decide re comments. I'm just hoping you'll stay around because I'm really interested to hear what you have to say. Even if much of it is slightly modified because of your awareness of an audience. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I modify the real me to fit in with whoever I interact with, whether its via a blog or face-to-face. Even when I journal I'm conscious of retaining some of the real me and being unwilling to put it down on paper.
I guess I'm just human...
Wow, you 3 made my day!!
You gave me more affirmation in your 3 short comments than I may have gotten in the last 5 years!! Perhaps sad, but I am serious! I am very grateful.
Di, I like you alot! (said in a Jim Carey-ish manner). Your automation tips will be followed up on for sure. Although they are not the crux of the matter (as you suspected) they will be very helpful in not having to constantly patrol for comments. Thank you to my very own personal Outer!
Terri, what a blessing to hear from you! I feel like you and Di are BS-proof and I feel safe with your eyes. And yes indeed, it's absolutely about that audience looking over my shoulder and my desire to not let that lead me down the path of any type of inauthenticity or posing. Sharing that you too have felt that kind of tug was and is somehow comforting. And congrats on coining a new word: blogicide.
Dean, gosh we just met and there you are speaking into my life and I am glad that you are my brother! Welcome! Your words/reminder that self-modification is always underway to one degree or another....even, as you so aptley pointed out, when we do private journaling. So thank you for helping me to stay real in my expectations of myself....yep, me too, I'm only human!
The only creepy thing about your comments is that I pushed the 'publish post' button about 8:00PM last night and Di and Terri commented about 30 minutes before I even posted. So that takes the whole nature and concept of "blogging community" to a whole other level of zendom. And Dean, 3:10 AM on a Monday night...? Reading blogs (much less mine)... we need to talk through this and soon....
REALLY, thank you each for the edification!!
Jim, I've been waiting for your next post since we spoke briefly on Sunday, wondering if you would pull out of the tailspin. Which gives me a picture of you feeling like you are doing skywriting (Surrender Dorothy!) as your form of blogging. In a way this is harder, because it's not just smoke.
I have to say TC and DK are wonderfully transparent, me -not so much. I have a very long history of not feeling like the 'real' me even exists, much less has words to it that are share-able. So I too struggle with that Kilroy effect - (where is that little bugger and why is he peeking/lurking/reading?) I notice the irony that sharing your trepidation is itself being very transparent. (And also a little like a disclaimer, good plan, I think.)
I wonder what will happen if you decide to just let 'er rip?
and, let's not forget - "Living in a vacuum sucks."
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
pentimento- thanks for dropping by...I felt bad our conversation was cut short on Sunday....seems like this senior pastor showed up and changed the dynamics. You know, I am confident that the 'real' you is there and I, for one, want to get to know her! Can think of no one I would rather see letting er' rip than you MW! Re:life in a vacuum sucking...so agree. Was sharing with Dean off-blog about some words that both make sense to me and drive me back to my skywriting on this blog: "...importance and power of other peoples eyes on your life and your story.We need others to see the things that are hard for us to see about ourselves. Others who are not living under our wounds and warfare." G.Barkalow
I trust your eyes on me pentimento....now go back to being even more edgy!
well, I will if you will. become more edgy, that is. and aren't we glad we don't actually have to skywrite this, although, I have to say, the metaphor is intriguing.
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