Tag, you're "it". Wow, how many years has it been since I was "it". When I got a comment from Dave that I had been tagged I have to admit, I just sat there befuddled in a sort of pre-senile stupor wondering what in the world I was now to do. Eventually, I thought to go to "sportsandJesus" and voila!, we have lift-off. So 6 random things that are true about ol' Santiago heh?
1. Growing up we were always building "forts" of one kind or another. In 6th and 7th grade my buddies and I came up with the mother of all meeting places. We had a 100' water tower behind my house and we used to climb it about 3 or 4 nights a week and just hang out on the catwalk and talk. The neighbors were ever vigilant for such shenanigans and would often call the police if we accidentally banged the metal too hard and alerted folks to our presence. But that was the best part, because if we sensed we had been busted, we would climb the ladder to the top of the actual tank and lay around the top with our heads in a circle around the center. The police would come, shout at us with their bullhorns, shine their spotlights but couldn't see us because we were at the very top and they never dared climb up themselves. We just waited in silence and eventually they just left. High adventure indeed!
2. Dave had a fire story...me too. An older brother of some friends made us match guns from clothespins that shot wooden matches and ignited them on the way out. One of our friends had horses and a barn. We were goofing around and a match went under a locked door in the barn full of hay and started a horrendous fire. We alerted the owner and promptly pedaled our bikes out of there as fast as we could go, throwing out our matches and match guns as we raced down their long driveway. No horses perished (but reportedly some kitties did). We got in really bad trouble (it even made the 10PM news)and we had to appear before a juvenile court person who said he would try his best but he couldn't guarantee that he could keep us from having to go to reform school. All through 6th grade, whenever there was a knock on the classroom door, I was just sure that it was going to be a policeman who would simply say "Sorry bud, you lost, come with me". I tell you, I never played with matches again!
3.Maybe something really short....the above two are candidates for novella status.
I have a weird habit of always leaving one bite or one spoonful of food in the container of whatever. I never finish anything. Even if it's a glass of water, I leave some at the bottom. Really scary and I don't know why. At least I can never be blamed for eating or drinking the last of anything....there is always a little bit left with my neurotic strategy.
4.I never really had pets growing up. Mostly because my parents weren't real keen on the idea but also I feared getting real close and then having them die. I mourned over my dead goldfish, cried at Ol Yeller, cheered out loud at Free Willy. Well anyway, we have now had a family dog (technically my daughter's, her name is Chammi, a goldendoodle) for the last 3 years and I love her to pieces. It took 60 yrs but now I (we)have a dog!
5. A quick mini-series of randomness: I love peanut butter, mayonnaise and lettuce sandwiches; never go back once I leave no matter what was forgotten; only ask for directions if my wife threatens death; I'm rarely allowed to cut bread and cake because I just press on the knife rather than saw back and forth and end up squishing it.
6. I am addicted to feeling good about accomplishing projects around the house...resurfacing the deck boards and staining, putting in a new kitchen faucet, replacing a water turn-off valve, rebuilding a fence. I love that sense of satisfaction that comes with finishing such tasks, especially the ones where it seemed I was in over my head and came so close to having had to abort the mission (which pretty much describes almost all of my projects).
Well, that's it for this meme (as a first time memer, it is somewhat refreshing getting a subject assigned through being tagged and just writing about what someone else chooses for you). PS, I tried to look up meme but it doesn't appear in Websters).
And now, I tag the following people who I don't believe have been accosted quite yet:
Di
Marcell
Terri
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Thrashing about on a Saturday night
So it's 11:30PM, sitting here in one of those exhausted but stirred up modes. My youngest, Jenna, graduated today from UMD. My Mom and Sandi joined me to watch the ceremonies and congratulate my daughter's 5 years of tenacity. So what's the deal, why do I sit here in this funk, this kind of dark agitation?
Took a tour through some of the blogs....at least some of the ones listed on others blog sites. This little tour provided some relief from whatever is bugging me. Oh Terri, you were hurting and I didn't even know it til' I guess it was over. How strange to feel bad about that....we hardly even know one another but this blogland thing sure makes it feel otherwise. Di's reminder to stay on the coverage of the bootcamp, the incredible poem she has recently posted, Marcell's ode to Babe and soaring symphony featuring an organ, Danny's missional ministry house coming together, Greg's shout out to Jen, the lovely Kirsten and her boutique of words and poems and pictures, Dean getting the family established in Switzerland, Dave's sports riffs. Thank you one and all, you all ministered to me on this night in ways you can't know.
Jenna's Mom and her husband shared the day up in Duluth as well,as did my oldest Jessica and her beau Adam. Given my recent posts, spending time with both of my daughters and the interplay of current and former spouses has, I believe, contributed to whatever this vague malaise I find myself soaking in. Kind of a day spent in the Hamilton Beach blender on the frappe' setting of past, present and glimpses of future. Now just pour out this yummy concoction into chilled serving glasses and enjoy!
Jeesh, just go to bed Santiago. Yeah, but I would really like to put my finger on what this swirly thing around me is that I might process it accordingly and be done with it. Sat outside for awhile on my back looking at the stars, searching for God's voice, his word for me, his directions out of this mental maze. Did some warfare counter measures and bound, gagged and blinded every strategy of the foul spirits wishing to take me out. Walked the perimeter of my domain.
Nevertheless, I sit here clicking away at this keyboard like a chicken runs around after it's head has been chopped off. Don't feel like I'm getting any closer to clarity. Is it HR, the Canadian bootcamp, the embers of today's fires up north? What up Hoppy?
I can't help but feel that part of it is just that feeling of being kind of lost, overwhelmed by surrounding fog, feeling a total absence of any sort of control. Today a big chunk of life (ie. Jenna completing her degree) fell into place, time demonstrated that it indeed is marching on and I am just left with this sense of humbling angst and feeling like I am just off in the margins. I make no agreements with any of this!
Valid question: Why post all this crap? Pissed off answer: Because it's my blog and I just felt like thrashing around, regardless of whether or not resolution is to be found. Thrashing for thrashings sake. OK, time to put a merciful end to this unedifying meandering. I guess I will hit the ol' Publish Post button by way of leaving a sample, a veritable specimen, of the kind of loopy nonsense I sometimes find myself immersed in. Certainly won't be accused of trying to impress by laying down this kind of drivel...
Here's to a better morning....
Took a tour through some of the blogs....at least some of the ones listed on others blog sites. This little tour provided some relief from whatever is bugging me. Oh Terri, you were hurting and I didn't even know it til' I guess it was over. How strange to feel bad about that....we hardly even know one another but this blogland thing sure makes it feel otherwise. Di's reminder to stay on the coverage of the bootcamp, the incredible poem she has recently posted, Marcell's ode to Babe and soaring symphony featuring an organ, Danny's missional ministry house coming together, Greg's shout out to Jen, the lovely Kirsten and her boutique of words and poems and pictures, Dean getting the family established in Switzerland, Dave's sports riffs. Thank you one and all, you all ministered to me on this night in ways you can't know.
Jenna's Mom and her husband shared the day up in Duluth as well,as did my oldest Jessica and her beau Adam. Given my recent posts, spending time with both of my daughters and the interplay of current and former spouses has, I believe, contributed to whatever this vague malaise I find myself soaking in. Kind of a day spent in the Hamilton Beach blender on the frappe' setting of past, present and glimpses of future. Now just pour out this yummy concoction into chilled serving glasses and enjoy!
Jeesh, just go to bed Santiago. Yeah, but I would really like to put my finger on what this swirly thing around me is that I might process it accordingly and be done with it. Sat outside for awhile on my back looking at the stars, searching for God's voice, his word for me, his directions out of this mental maze. Did some warfare counter measures and bound, gagged and blinded every strategy of the foul spirits wishing to take me out. Walked the perimeter of my domain.
Nevertheless, I sit here clicking away at this keyboard like a chicken runs around after it's head has been chopped off. Don't feel like I'm getting any closer to clarity. Is it HR, the Canadian bootcamp, the embers of today's fires up north? What up Hoppy?
I can't help but feel that part of it is just that feeling of being kind of lost, overwhelmed by surrounding fog, feeling a total absence of any sort of control. Today a big chunk of life (ie. Jenna completing her degree) fell into place, time demonstrated that it indeed is marching on and I am just left with this sense of humbling angst and feeling like I am just off in the margins. I make no agreements with any of this!
Valid question: Why post all this crap? Pissed off answer: Because it's my blog and I just felt like thrashing around, regardless of whether or not resolution is to be found. Thrashing for thrashings sake. OK, time to put a merciful end to this unedifying meandering. I guess I will hit the ol' Publish Post button by way of leaving a sample, a veritable specimen, of the kind of loopy nonsense I sometimes find myself immersed in. Certainly won't be accused of trying to impress by laying down this kind of drivel...
Here's to a better morning....
Monday, May 12, 2008
Now is all I have
So it's felt freeing to describe several major chunks of my life spanning over 20 years. Flying over some woundings from youth, a life implosion in 1988, marriage separation in 1990, through divorce, long road of rambling recovery, remarriage on 1/6/01 and on up to today leaves me feeling exhausted but grateful. The interplay of God's grace woven through the ultimate consequences of sin.....
Sin, that word that political correctness abhors. That simple word defined in James as "...knows what is right to do but fails to do it" These relativistic times disallow all absolutes. Yet this I know, if you sow a black crop of twisted, dysfunctional seeds you will, you absolutely will, reap a strikingly similar crop.
Where are you going with this blog Hoppy? Well, only to say that mercy does indeed triumph over judgement! Christ's work on my behalf purchased for me a new lease on life. Initially surrendering myself to Jesus in May of 1975 put me on an entirely new path. Over a decade later, even when I fell off that path, my Savior was there to dust me off and hit the restart button of my life. Painless? Heck no. Quick? Absolutely not. Without cost? Please! I can only say that I am eternally grateful for his dogged pursuit of me, the chief of sinners.
And so it feels good to get out some of what I've come from and come through. Of course, none of us are called to live in the past-- the now is all we have and I want to be vitally alive to this moment..., and now this moment ....and now again, this present moment. Even this blog, regardless of what my intentions were when I first launched 500' Flyby, has become a tool in appropriating the essence, the heart of what matters in life, of being real with myself and losing all the bs that's seems so ever present and constantly offers itself as a substitute for the real deal.
The world shouts out it's nominations for noteworthy goals, objects worthy of pursuit and values of materialism that should simply shock us as observers. But alas, as frogs, we have been oblivious to the slowly increasing temperature of the now boiling water. Actually, saying the world 'shouts' is too mild. The world screams out it's messages 24/7 in every way imaginable. Just one example of this worldly message is a current, frequently shown TV ad: Guy imagines owning a really cool flat panel TV and wanders off to the store in an almost trance-like mode with the background 'jingle' going on like a mantra...."I want it all, I want it all, I want it all".... And now you can, with your Chase credit card...get it now, pay for it later. The American way....(Oh, don't get me going!)
I would love to say that I am impervious to all this...but it creeps in. I look above the fireplace, see this brick expanse that would be such a cool place for something...but what?....a painting?....a mounted sword perhaps?....no, how about a 40" flat panel TV? Somehow, that idea has wormed it's way into my mind and is making a mighty effort at stirring desire and that desire is making a tenacious effort at creating momentum of action and a plan to bring all this into realization....."I want it all"
But these days, perhaps with the benefit of more age, (spelled maturity for those keeping score at home), comes a bit more ability to quell the knee-jerk reactions, to see through the lie of: happiness = ownership of lots of cool stuff. And for that I am grateful Lord but this quality is hardly well-established...more like a thin veneer of ice easily broken through. Protect me from the moguls of Madison Avenue!
As a recovering hedonist, I have spent a lifetime chasing happiness in all the wrong places. Today, I am aware that my game is well beyond halftime, maybe even into the 4th quarter. I am hungry to bring an end to so much "life by default", to be more intentional, to spend my energies on things that really matter. Sounds kind of lofty...the kind of a statement that seems better coming from one speaking from some raised platform more so than from me.
Yet that too has worn thin, that chronic defeatist sense of mine, that self-limiting, keep-your-aspirations-modest-lest-you-deliver-only-more-failure. Since betraying myself and my family, I have become painfully aware of all the time I have spent holding myself hostage, constantly beating up on myself and being my own worst enemy. Being "hard on myself" eventually became a virtual hobby (albeit a diabolical one).
However (thank you God that there is a 'however'!), the last several years have brought increasing levels of redemption, restoration, of applying more of the good news to more of me, of the Lord coming into my various prison cells and flinging open some barred doors, of substantial healing of my brokenheartedness. And for that Jesus, let me just stop and say thank you Father. Thank you for not abandoning me, for showing me a living example of what "unconditional" really looks like. Keep it coming Lord, keep it coming.
So what of my "now"? What are my current priorities, the items that I believe either should be or are already the focus of my attention?
Perhaps a quick listing, no particular order, a sort of data dump:
1. A desire to not live my life as though it's just a "waiting room" before heaven and eternal bliss.
2. The importance of living in a conversational intimacy with God.
3. The truth that wholeness and holiness go hand in hand...there is no freedom without holiness and vice versa.
4. That my life is aggressively opposed by a real live enemy (who is not shooting rubber bullets) with an intensity that seems in direct proportion to the degree I serve as an agent for advancing the Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
5. That it is not about me.
6. That if Jesus has forgiven me then I must as well...not doing so is nothing less than perverse pride from the very pit of hell.
7. That my judgement, my incessant judgement of others must be collapsed.
8. That there is nothing more valuable, more thrill-producing, more lasting and pleasure-inducing than walking with God.
9. That the political thrusts of this country/world are of Caesar and I am never again to merge /superimpose them with or onto the ways of the Kingdom.
10.That there is no auto-pilot setting in life and that all of the above require an ongoing level of my most diligent intentionality.
11. That somehow in all of this, God still allows me to laugh and to see humor amidst the journey (the hardest laughs are at myself) and to enjoy the many blessings he provides along the way.
Well, I am certain this is not exhaustive but it seems to be a fair expression of the basic core of where I am at in this "spring" (and I use the term loosely) of 2008.
For now, I offer these words in this blog to make my current outlook more concrete, less swirly. I submit this for all blogging eyes to see that I may be more public, more transparent, more accountable for what I profess as being important and in the interests of letting the light of day wash over what otherwise would remain mostly internal.
Note to self: I wonder if blogging will ever feel more natural, less self-absorbed and more clearly worth engaging in....? Jesus, what have you to say about this? I am willing to hear either a yes or a no.....
Sin, that word that political correctness abhors. That simple word defined in James as "...knows what is right to do but fails to do it" These relativistic times disallow all absolutes. Yet this I know, if you sow a black crop of twisted, dysfunctional seeds you will, you absolutely will, reap a strikingly similar crop.
Where are you going with this blog Hoppy? Well, only to say that mercy does indeed triumph over judgement! Christ's work on my behalf purchased for me a new lease on life. Initially surrendering myself to Jesus in May of 1975 put me on an entirely new path. Over a decade later, even when I fell off that path, my Savior was there to dust me off and hit the restart button of my life. Painless? Heck no. Quick? Absolutely not. Without cost? Please! I can only say that I am eternally grateful for his dogged pursuit of me, the chief of sinners.
And so it feels good to get out some of what I've come from and come through. Of course, none of us are called to live in the past-- the now is all we have and I want to be vitally alive to this moment..., and now this moment ....and now again, this present moment. Even this blog, regardless of what my intentions were when I first launched 500' Flyby, has become a tool in appropriating the essence, the heart of what matters in life, of being real with myself and losing all the bs that's seems so ever present and constantly offers itself as a substitute for the real deal.
The world shouts out it's nominations for noteworthy goals, objects worthy of pursuit and values of materialism that should simply shock us as observers. But alas, as frogs, we have been oblivious to the slowly increasing temperature of the now boiling water. Actually, saying the world 'shouts' is too mild. The world screams out it's messages 24/7 in every way imaginable. Just one example of this worldly message is a current, frequently shown TV ad: Guy imagines owning a really cool flat panel TV and wanders off to the store in an almost trance-like mode with the background 'jingle' going on like a mantra...."I want it all, I want it all, I want it all".... And now you can, with your Chase credit card...get it now, pay for it later. The American way....(Oh, don't get me going!)
I would love to say that I am impervious to all this...but it creeps in. I look above the fireplace, see this brick expanse that would be such a cool place for something...but what?....a painting?....a mounted sword perhaps?....no, how about a 40" flat panel TV? Somehow, that idea has wormed it's way into my mind and is making a mighty effort at stirring desire and that desire is making a tenacious effort at creating momentum of action and a plan to bring all this into realization....."I want it all"
But these days, perhaps with the benefit of more age, (spelled maturity for those keeping score at home), comes a bit more ability to quell the knee-jerk reactions, to see through the lie of: happiness = ownership of lots of cool stuff. And for that I am grateful Lord but this quality is hardly well-established...more like a thin veneer of ice easily broken through. Protect me from the moguls of Madison Avenue!
As a recovering hedonist, I have spent a lifetime chasing happiness in all the wrong places. Today, I am aware that my game is well beyond halftime, maybe even into the 4th quarter. I am hungry to bring an end to so much "life by default", to be more intentional, to spend my energies on things that really matter. Sounds kind of lofty...the kind of a statement that seems better coming from one speaking from some raised platform more so than from me.
Yet that too has worn thin, that chronic defeatist sense of mine, that self-limiting, keep-your-aspirations-modest-lest-you-deliver-only-more-failure. Since betraying myself and my family, I have become painfully aware of all the time I have spent holding myself hostage, constantly beating up on myself and being my own worst enemy. Being "hard on myself" eventually became a virtual hobby (albeit a diabolical one).
However (thank you God that there is a 'however'!), the last several years have brought increasing levels of redemption, restoration, of applying more of the good news to more of me, of the Lord coming into my various prison cells and flinging open some barred doors, of substantial healing of my brokenheartedness. And for that Jesus, let me just stop and say thank you Father. Thank you for not abandoning me, for showing me a living example of what "unconditional" really looks like. Keep it coming Lord, keep it coming.
So what of my "now"? What are my current priorities, the items that I believe either should be or are already the focus of my attention?
Perhaps a quick listing, no particular order, a sort of data dump:
1. A desire to not live my life as though it's just a "waiting room" before heaven and eternal bliss.
2. The importance of living in a conversational intimacy with God.
3. The truth that wholeness and holiness go hand in hand...there is no freedom without holiness and vice versa.
4. That my life is aggressively opposed by a real live enemy (who is not shooting rubber bullets) with an intensity that seems in direct proportion to the degree I serve as an agent for advancing the Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
5. That it is not about me.
6. That if Jesus has forgiven me then I must as well...not doing so is nothing less than perverse pride from the very pit of hell.
7. That my judgement, my incessant judgement of others must be collapsed.
8. That there is nothing more valuable, more thrill-producing, more lasting and pleasure-inducing than walking with God.
9. That the political thrusts of this country/world are of Caesar and I am never again to merge /superimpose them with or onto the ways of the Kingdom.
10.That there is no auto-pilot setting in life and that all of the above require an ongoing level of my most diligent intentionality.
11. That somehow in all of this, God still allows me to laugh and to see humor amidst the journey (the hardest laughs are at myself) and to enjoy the many blessings he provides along the way.
Well, I am certain this is not exhaustive but it seems to be a fair expression of the basic core of where I am at in this "spring" (and I use the term loosely) of 2008.
For now, I offer these words in this blog to make my current outlook more concrete, less swirly. I submit this for all blogging eyes to see that I may be more public, more transparent, more accountable for what I profess as being important and in the interests of letting the light of day wash over what otherwise would remain mostly internal.
Note to self: I wonder if blogging will ever feel more natural, less self-absorbed and more clearly worth engaging in....? Jesus, what have you to say about this? I am willing to hear either a yes or a no.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)