Day of the Heart

Valentine's day....as a man, this Hallmark creation has always brought with it a bit of tension/apprehension for me. Somehow, at a very early age, I got the message (that I believe persists to this day) that this is mostly about men delivering a respectable showing of love and affection to their ladies and not vice versa. At least that is how Madison Avenue's messages have conditioned me.

It all started so innocently in grade school. Creating those decorated brown paper bags that hung from our desks. Then, on the big day, walking around and dropping in the Valentine "card", worth approximately 10 cents, into each of your fellow students bag. But ah yes, for me there was almost always one fair-headed maiden that was special and I poured over my selection of cards, purchased by my Mom at Kresges in St.Paul. I would look for one that had a certain punch to it, something that would somehow communicate my special feelings even though they would forever be left unspoken in actuality.

As years advanced, and having a girlfriend became a bigger deal, the not-so-subtly implied expectations of Valentine's Day did too. I would become aware of hearing vague hints of what so and so was planning to give his girlfriend. The first time I heard of a guy who was investing $10 into gifting his steady, I started to understand the incredible depths that one could go to "express" the otherwise silent pinings of the heart.

I wonder if other guys feel like me in this. That is that Valentine's Day raises virtually no expectations for the average guy in terms of receiving. The real "guy" expectations revolve around figuring out something to say, do or give that will meet what we imagine are the expectations of our better-halves. Next to her birthday and Christmas, Valentine's Day looms in 3rd place for a day when the invisible balance scales of relational life make an appearance. Our offering is weighed and ultimately deemed to be merely adequate, perhaps a home-run or, may you be spared this fate, badly found lacking in emotional depth, creativity and heartfeltness.

OK, OK I know. It's by now obvious that I have some performance anxiety around getting Valentine's day "right" (as I do for all gift-oriented days). But Valentine's day has this special twist...it's not necessarily about how much money was or was not spent, not about delivering results that are according to any necessarily traditional formulas....no it's about expressing the heart. It's an opportunity to somehow try to show what too much of my everyday life may not have been delivering. (Of course this is not all that different from any gift-giving event but please cut me some slack as this post is about VDay)

Sandi and I have been married now for 8 years. Let me just say unequivocally that our partnership was and is a God-thing, not expected, didn't see it coming, almost bailed before it could happen but am now so grateful that I didn't miss His lead on this blessing. Sandi really is a "low maintenance" kind of gal. Those seem like such crude words to describe any part of this beautiful woman of faith but it's true. So manning-up for gift time is really not a major challenge like it can be for guys with girls who have mountain high expectations. Nonetheless, I still have a huge desire to somehow express my love for her on such "gift" days in a manner that is intentional, that meets my own internal standard and avoids any hint of being merely an automatic pilot type of offering. It's just that I broke the freaking curve so early in our relationship.

We were married in 2001 in January so that first Valentine's Day for us was also my first post-marital debut as a gift giver. We had the blessing of an incredible honeymoon in Playa del Carmen. It was idyllic and I can only hope that some day we might get to do something together that even comes close. My pea brain was working overtime to come up with something that would fulfill my internal "apropos meter". It was my first appearance as a husband to Sandi and to her friends and family and I wanted to do this first Valentine's Day right!

Our initial dating was built around Caribou, specifically the one at 96 and Hogdson in Shoreview. We became aware of each other by some match-making efforts of my pastor's wife, Jill Herringshaw. It all started so innocently by phone and we probably talked together a dozen times before we ventured out to meet face-to-face. Caribou was to be that initial meeting place and it continued to be so for a couple of months....always sitting at the same table. We were married within about 9 months of that first coffee date. (Heh, when you're in your 50's you don't necessarily need years of courtship!) And now I'm needing a suitably good idea for this 1st Valentine's Day. It came as most of my really good ideas have since....it came from that still quiet, inner voice of God himself.
And he said, "Buy the table".
Obedience came next and, after some weeks of finagling with Caribou corporate, I got the go ahead to buy "our table" for $125. Yep, if they can retire some athlete's jersey well then, by cracky, this table of ours was going to be taken out of public service too.

February 14, 2001 arrived and Sandi and I headed off to Caribou to have coffee together before we went to work. "Our table" was all decked out in a huge red cellophane wrapper kind of in the shape of a gigantic Hershey's kiss. When Sandi asked "Where are we going to sit?", I simple said "At our table!" Sandi, being a polite and proper sort was having none of that...she said we couldn't because it was evidently being used for some sort of Valentine promotion or something. I, in my Italian-way, insisted and I finally got her to sit with me "at" our table although we had to hold our coffee cups as the tabletop was not available. While she was in no way comfortable sitting there (she hates anything that even comes remotely close to being or making a spectacle, which, by the way, I have learned to have fun with many times over the last 8 years!), she couldn't help peer inside the red cellophane wrapper. You see, the Caribou folks had been ever so kind and besides packaging this all up so perfectly they had also put some extra gifts inside. There were several pounds of coffee, a mug and a beautiful pink heart made of small, tight, pink rosebuds. And, of course, they had my Valentine card/envelope propped up inside addressed simply "Sandi" (which I had cleverly brought to them the night before).

So Sandi is sitting there, fidgeting in her seat, not liking all the people who keep looking over at us, feeling like we are in an inappropriate, unauthorized area. (The manager had told many of the customers, in a hushed voice naturally, of what this red table deal was all about so they kept looking at us, shooting these all-knowing smiles and head nods...poor Sandi, she must have felt like she was in a bad dream!) But intermittently, she can't help but try and look inside the red cello "kiss" to figure out what all those goodies were in there. Mind you, this was some thick cello and it wasn't easy to instantly see what was inide. Finally, after I was sure she was going to bolt for the door instead of staying where she didn't feel like she belonged, she noticed my card with the name "Sandi" written in my handwriting. All she said was "Wait a minute....what is going on here?"

Well, suffice it to say that after spending some considerable effort to convince her to reach under and get that card, she finally did so. The card pledged my love afresh but it also had some cryptic reference to the table now being ours Oh, she was blessed alright by it all, but the best part was at the end of our time. I hoisted the table onto my shoulder when leaving. Sandi just looked at me, surely thinking that I had already lost it and we had only been married 39 days!
I assured her it was all proper and Sandi and I and the table left Caribou with the judges awarding perfect 10's for my first Valentine (and with all the husbands in Caribou and any who may be reading this now scowling at me and virtually shouting at me with their eyes, "Curve breaker, fellowship of men betrayer!")

Today, that table sits in the corner of our dining room as a testament to how it all began. And I have yet to come up with anything that will beat that V Day gift. Note to self: when making an initial effort perhaps you should leave room for future improvement!

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Santiago out....