Some projects are deeper than others - Part 2 -

So I believe Papa has guided my thinking around to questioning my oft-repeated "I'm not innately drawn to community like so many others seem to be" line. Upon further reflection, I see there are telltale signs in my life that community is indeed of interest and appealing. I loved my time in Boy Scouts, the fellowship of badges and camping and adventure. Camp Tomahawk was a week of glory, parking cars at the State Fair and living on site together was so good. Swimming team in high school was satisfying and brought a strong sense of belonging, shared experiences and accomplishments. My time as a shadow warrior was amazing...being called up and into something bigger than myself, sense of belonging, vital, shared work, adventure...so thankful for that Jesus.There is also this nagging sense that being in the armed services could have, at least at some levels, been very rewarding (minus the pesky problem of war).

So my self-description of the last years, ie. as a person not particularly drawn to community, is just not the truest truth. I am and have been drawn into some community but not necessarily all or any form of community. I have begun to take a closer look at what lies behind my feelings regarding community. This has led me to focus on the experience of relational rejections and betrayals that have accumulated in the grab bag of my 73 year sojourn. This is pretty fresh stuff and represents pure frontier for me. My inner hunger is such that risking increased vulnerability seems more reasonable than ever before.... whatever it takes to pursue deeper authenticity and surrender to the Father's restorative work in my life.

So yesterday I went to the beach with my trusty little journal covering 12 years of infrequent entries. I sat at a picnic table and listed as many individuals/instances of rejection/betrayal as I could remember. There were many and I suspect it is a woefully incomplete list. Nonetheless, it was sobering to revisit so many traumas of varying degrees and to begin to see at least some of how it has all been incorporated into my life.

There is no question I have woven a web of methods for keeping others at arm's length, of keeping expectations very low and of sidestepping perceived problems....often times with apparent ease and even finesse. While that might be an understandable, self-protective strategy in reaction to previous wounds, what is not acceptable is camouflaging these behaviors as something they are not. It's not that I lack an innate draw to community. It's that I have layered myself with protection in order to prevent additional hurts from fresh rejection/betrayals. Stating this for what it actually is brings a mixture of relief for being more honest with myself coupled with an uneasiness in opening a new vulnerability door.

 I recently described some of this to Sandi and included my desire to being open (yet scared-to-death) of increased vulnerability in order to lift the limits that guarding myself has upon our relationship. There is only so much 'more' to be had in a partnership where one or both have definite limits on self-disclosure.

Yikes! Sorry, but writing this feels like absolute rubbish.... like stating the obvious, breathlessly describing what most people already know. But heh, for me it is a breakthrough into a greater willingness to be more brutally honest and exposed. My secret weapon in doing this....? Throwing myself with increased abandon into the arms of he with whom I have to do....my Abba! Ultimately my protection against the rawness of making myself more vulnerable and at risk....Jesus. He has promised to have my back and be my bottom line!

So no, I am not some self-sufficient, modern-day hermit with no need of others. I have a deep desire to be seen and understood, to be known by others, to be correctable, to be coach-able. I have incurred thousands of connection experiences in my life with lovers and friends. It's a real mixed bag of some good and plenty of not-so-good. My natural response has been to lower my expectations of human interactions and to always have a protective shield within easy reach.  I can see that I am continually on the lookout for connection, especially where there is enough resilience present to endure mutual authenticity without fear of losing the connection.

Father, thank you that you are my ultimate connection! Help me to stay at the work of loving and connecting with others. Give me your attitude, your heart when it comes to the disappointments and the defenses I developed in response to the many times of being misjudged, misunderstood, unnoticed, unheard, unappreciated and unloved. I so appreciate that you became a human, you experienced all of the above, you stayed true through it all and you offer me your mind which is mine through Christ Jesus. You said "...apart from me you can do nothing." Jn 15:5  Thank you for offering yourself as my way out of the limitations of my past experience. Thank you for restoring me, for your work of transformation in me. Help me to get out of your way. Holy Spirit, I give you permission to continue the work of remaking me into your image, of healing my relational wounds and of continuing the work of making me aware of lies and the agreements I have made with them. I break each and every one of those agreements. Your unconditional love of me and your invitation to me into son-ship with you is my bottom line.

Maranatha my dear Lord!

Some projects are deeper than others Part 1

It has been a rewarding summer..... my outside projects were both satisfying and solid investments in the  property we have been graced to live upon.  There was the redo of much of the west side split-rail fence, the rebuilding of the egress window retaining wall, restaining the cedar on the front side of the house, refinishing two outdoor benches. I do truly love envisioning what needs doing and then following through with initiating and completing the tasks at hand.  Working with my hands really blesses me.....it really does.

So with the list of projects complete (for now), I couldn't help but wonder about other things I might do (I mean there is a pandemic underway.)  Meanwhile, in my ongoing pursuit of deeper intimacy with Jesus, I became aware of a desire to also take a look under the hood of my relationship with Sandi. Although no apparent issues of any significance were on my radar, there is the occasional 'check engine' light.  Being retired and around each other continually has motivated me to wonder if there isn't something more that could be found in our partnership. What better investment could there be than in the dynamics of my partnership with this eternal, complicated gift from God? One thing led to another and I was introduced to "emotionally focused therapy" principles explained in the book Created for Connection by Sue Johnson. This book solidified my belief that there was indeed much more potentially available and this was accompanied by a call upon me to pursue it. Now here was a project that was of the mind, will and emotions rather than my hands....frontier for Santiago.

I wasn't sure how my mate would react.  Past comments of hers indicated she didn't view counseling/counselors all that well.  Some past negative experience seemed at work there.  Nonetheless, she was not opposed to my initiative and explained it would be on me to establish any momentum in this arena.  Ok, for me that was good enough.  After all, I wasn't out to fix anything particularly broken, I merely believed that there was 'more' to be had and that it seemed very worthwhile to pursue.

This and at least one other subsequent post will attempt to articulate some preliminary discoveries as they relate to me.I have completed my first read of the book and now will be going back over  highlighted areas and summarizing each chapter in a notebook, (I have begun doing this with books that make a significant impact).  At this moment, I am internalizing and digesting what this is touching in me before drawing Sandi too much into some new dance steps.  Is this approach the best?  Time will tell....

As I read and pondered the key tenants of attachment theory, some of my personal outlook is being called into question. Man is created in the image of the triune God, fellowship and connection with others is part of the very kingdom DNA in each of us. The trinity has always existed, the fellowship of the three in one has never not been. It was found to be not good for original man to be alone and  so a helpmate was created. Ultimately, families were formed, communities were formed. Jesus gathered twelve disciples to  teach and initiate the kingdom of God upon the earth.  So much attachment. Such stark contrast with the decidedly western view of the autonomous individual complete in himself and needing no one else to attain self-actualization.

Many times I have confessed to others that I am not innately drawn to community as it seems so many others are.  For me, being part of a house church is based more on obedience to what I believe I am being asked to do by my Father than from a deep, internal longing for community.  The natural current of fellowship does not seem to run so strong in me. Perhaps I am more of the "desert father" type? At least that is what I have heard myself say and  thoroughly believed in so many conversations with others.  Now I am not so sure......

What I cannot deny is an ongoing desire to know and be known. To connect with at least some others at the deepest level. To be entirely authentic. To seek out and destroy posing in my life. To ruthlessly eliminate bullshit in my life (and to cease being so good at it). To be in a vital role, to make a difference. To be a  branch that is dependent solely on the Vine. And ultimately, to one day hear my Father say "Well done good and faithful servant."   

In my readings and reflection over the last bit of time, I see that I seek to do all of the above from the base camp of 'Jesus and me.' If honest, I totally dismiss or sidestep depending on others in my quest to fulfill these needs. Thoughts that I am just a desert father type who finds himself trying to walk out this sojourn with Jesus..., solely Jesus, are simply not ringing true. In reading the potent little book by Julie Canlis, Theology of the Ordinary,(thank you Mike!) she writes: "Who wants to be bound to other Christians who are paying their mortgages, raising kids, or suffering depression when we can be blazing a trail with God on our own?" She goes on to quote Michael Horton, author of the book Ordinary: "It's more fun to be part of movements than churches. We can express our own individuality, pick our favorite leaders, and be swept off our feet at conferences. We can by anonymous."

Julie finishes her paragraph with this gut punch (at least for me): "Scripture, on the other hand, teaches that our growth is bound to that of others (Eph 4:13) and other people take time we don't always want to give. Being anonymous, or an 'individual Christian,' is not an option for those of us who follow a God who Himself refuses to be alone." I have read and heard similar things before but somehow her words, coupled with Horton's, seems to have served up a 'tipping point' for me,  The words 'bound', 'not an option', and 'a God who Himself refuses to be alone'  present to me a type of 'line in the sand'. Santiago, this cavalier 'desert father' reference is just self-serving drivel. Being bound to others/interdependent on each other is what He has for you as well.  What has caused you to think/believe otherwise?

-To Be Continued-