Just another flood of words in an effort to make sense of this season of life. Bear with me Santiago. I write with a limp.....
House church was not a magical panacea. There are no shortcuts, no holy grail of teachers or teaching methods. No one church or expression of church that holds the golden key. No sure-fire set of disciplines. No nifty 3-step program to ultimate transformation.
Jesus said that without him we can do nothing. A rather comprehensive statement, bereft of wiggle room. Ok, so do we get it? We need him, we need Jesus, we desperately need the Trinity. The Lord is not a mere ingredient in our life's cake. An intimate relationship with him is simply a matter of life and death. No Abba, no life, only things posing as life.
Intimacy with the Triune God is so good. In John 17 Jesus prayed this very thing for each of us. Union with him is the ultimate best and something all believing sojourners are headed for. But it doesn't have to wait until the sweet by-and-by, until we cross over from this earthly life to the next. It is substantially available now. Those who have written about such things have been called mystics by an often unbelieving public. There are many who have left a testimony of penetrating the mystery that is so liberally salted throughout the Gospel. Of entering into the bright light of one-ness that awaits the surrendered, obedient pilgrim. Forgetting and putting behind the scam of self-independence, self-reliance and autonomy. Accepting the pathetic nothingness of a fallen branch on the ground and, instead, celebrating the wisdom and insight which flows through a branch firmly attached to the eternal vine.
He is the hero of the story we find ourselves in. Amazing as it seems, we are who he desires to flow through in order to bring others into (or deeper into) the true story of who they are, why they are and what they were created to be. Father wants us, he ordained our participation in his creation plan. How can this not arouse and excite any person who gives it honest consideration. It is ultimately a wonderful secret that has been with us from the beginning although hidden in plain sight. It has been hidden behind the veils of man's religion, which has kept it's form but denied it's transformative power. Mostly emphasizing the fire insurance parts of the story. Offering glory some day but in the meantime only directing us to be nice and to stay out of trouble while we wait. Not so compelling.
Huh, so it's not really about me after all. Maslow's hierarchy of needs is not the truest truth. Culture markets many shadows, many misdirection's, all with ulterior motives of greed and control of human capital. The addictions of selfies and Instagram portrayals of the good life temporarily anesthetize the deep inner groans for meaning and purpose. The streets are littered with poisonous life preservers: diets, drugs, numbing agents of every stripe, news reports that cater to your every bias, conspiracy stories that fill in every gap and answer all the nagging questions.
What is often termed mysticism has captured my attention and been my study for the last couple of years. I am left with a couple of dilemmas, not the least of which is myself. I don't trust myself to stay after this pursuit of intimacy with God, ultimately culminating in union with God. Although for 1500 years this was a common, orthodox understanding, today it stands as a decidedly more radical, less-followed outlook.
This 'union' makes total sense to me as being the very core of what I am called to as a believer. Yet, to the extent it depends on me, my performance, my commitment and faithful dedication....I have doubts . I have observed 'me' for 75 years and have accumulated numerous reasons for questioning the potency of such virtues within myself. Although I am of the belief that my transformation towards deeper intimacy can only be accomplished through the Holy Spirit's work within me, I lack self-confidence at staying open and obedient and offering my continual "Yes" to that inner work. It's a bit like a poor commoner who was invited to dine at the King's table but could never quite seem to get past feeling that it was all based on mistaken identity. I know the standard answers to such unbelief, yet I obviously struggle nonetheless.
An additional dilemma is fellowship in this pursuit. I feel ruined by "big" churches and my experience at their being more "Christian-lite" in their offerings. Seeker sensitivity bothers me. It's like masking the taste of medicine by adding sugar. But I get it. The message of 'come and die to your independent self' is hardly a compelling marketing strategy. Yet I so desire to fellowship with some like-minded brothers and sisters who believe along these lines, who can encourage my walk on this path, keep me honest, accountable and help keep me from deception and drift. But where can this be found? Have I made this too much about me? How can that be when I have come to the conclusion that my me-ness must decrease and he must increase? Forgive my whining here...alas, I see through a glass ever so darkly.
So holy Trinity, I end with a prayer. I lay the above before you. I believe you have called me into a pursuit of the 'more' that is ours for eternity but that it is also substantially available now, on earth as it is in heaven. I bring you my confusions, my frustrations and my possible delusions. Guard my heart, keep me headed through the narrow gate and on the hard road that you say few find. I ask for a fresh confirmation that I am indeed correctly hearing your call towards deeper intimacy. I ask for increased clarity in this focus and a robust exchange of my distrust of self for an utter reliance on you. Forgive my shaking knees and my wimpy faith. I seek to drink deeply from you as my only vine Lord. May it all be according to you and your will. Maranatha!
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