Hmm..listening to some sweet,sweet blues guitar music. Instrument only. Love it! Once again I come to my keyboard with nothing tugging at me to express. And yet somehow I feel full. My inner bag of stuff seems lumpy with fullness. Yet what to say about any of it. Therein lies the rub....
Listened to an interview with John O'Donohue on my walk today. He was speaking about Beauty, which he capitalizes because he views it as being directly from the hand of God (at least that is how I understood him). John's way with words and his insights makes me want to suss out things in me that are just cobwebby filaments that fly wildly around if even a gnat sneezes. Is my desire to firm up such wispy-ness even valid?....a fool"s errand??
Like with this Finley quote, "No experience, no achievement can sustain me in existence, and, therefore, to be authentic I must struggle to be true to my chief responsibility of searching for a life that bears inspection in the face of death" Perhaps not the most warm and fuzzy quote I have ever written down but it resonates with me. Experience and achievements are nice but just mere tchotchkes in light of the conclusions I have reached at this juncture of my life journey. I believe I am called to let go, to surrender, to die to the self-contained, autonomous ego-self. If ultimate union with Trinity is why I was ultimately created, and I believe it was, then Santiago's false self, the self I thought myself to be, the constant self- referential me, must, like the grain of wheat, fall into the ground and die.
It was about 7 years ago that Father highlighted John 15:5b "....apart from me you can do nothing." The transformation of an individual is a long process. There is no zapping here. It has been 7 years of trying not to lift myself up and into a closer alignment with the image of God in which the Word tells me I was created. It simply cannot be done through our own power. The transformation is something He does in me. My part is simply to lean into Him and trust the process. I find all of this difficult to articulate and yet I have the urge to try to find the words that might better express these recent chapters of my story. Yet I do believe I am on the path I'm meant to walk on and I say to Jesus, "Have your way Lord, have your way with and in me."
Well, not the most light and breezy post I have ever written but it's what flowed through my typing fingers and I will let it stand.
In other news, a new year is upon the world. A quick glance at the status of what's going on "out there" does not appear to bring the average citizen anything but angst and a general sense of doom. Closer to home, I am the father of a daughter whose marriage is headed for a decoupling. The therapists seem to have instituted a more neutral, palatable term for the ugliness of divorce. This is crushing on every level. For her, for her mom and dad and for each family member on both sides. A living death....
Of course I don't mention this only theoretically as I too have gone through the end of something that only death was meant to end...divorce. I have limped ever since. I ache for what J seems inevitably headed for. There are no winners in this. Nope, everyone decidedly loses. Healing is furtive, slow and never complete. So where am I going with all of this? I have no idea, just dumping out some of what is gnawing at my soul.
In clear juxtaposition to the above, Sandi and I are going on a "494 get-away" to celebrate 25 years of marriage. Color me grateful! Back in the late 90"s and up to 2000 I was quite sure that a life of singleness was my destiny. A failed marriage to the mother of my girls left me gutted. Not as a victim but certainly as one left with a strong sense of self-loathing and shame. Without rehashing all the details of how Jesus waded into my swamp, put me over his shoulder and set about the process of restoring me, I was given another chance. As I reflect on the grace and mercy I was afforded....there are no words. Only massive gratitude!!
And now as a couple in our mid-to-late 70's, Sandi and I have entered the twilight years of life together. Neither of us is seeking to summit Everest. Our aspirations are not newsworthy. Just want to end well, love each other, be good parents, good grandparents and bring blessing to the friends put in our circle of influence. But oh the joy this morning of seeing Sandi's arm reach over the mound of covers between us to see if I was awake. We have a fellowship built with so many life miles traveled together. Our partnership with one another has morphed and grown and stands today as my best earthly gift!
Yesterday at our special Christmas family dinner, I heard myself tell Mike that I would like to write more in 2026. Writing is mostly therapeutic for me minus the part where I seem to have a compelling need to say something before I sit down to write. Looking back at this 19 year blog archive, that has often been 0-2 times a year. Lord, I humbly request your grace in supplying whatever I am missing here in motivation. I wish to write, to thrash, to capture the vague in a mason jar with holes in the cap for air. If this is to be a bigger part of my practice, I ask you for your help. Thank you Father!
"Tower, 500 Flyby requesting permission to land." "Flyby, permission granted."
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