WHY? (not by the Accents)

So let's give this a crack.  Sitting here not feeling "inspired" to write like I have been know to feel when blogs used to fly off my fingers. Last post ended with something about now that I have the WHY of writing let's get on with it.  But hold up kimosabe, hold up.  I would like to develop this all a bit more.  Specifically, to get more clarity, punch, succinctness around this concept of writing as Edenic, writing as naming things, writing as taking a raw, undefined lump of clay and letting the statue come out of the mass (there is a quote about this out there somewhere).


As I learn and practice slowing down in order to see the graces and give the thanks, I am more aware of ignoring a lot of "passing" thoughts. Assorted unnamed fears, fledgling observations and vague concepts are simply left by the roadside as I speed along happily multi-tasking.  Writing absolutely doesn't allow such aimless, mad speeding.  Choosing words that describe foggy thoughts is intentional as intentional can be.  Writing is the parachute that pops open on the pointless dragster and beckons one to get close in and clip on the macro lens.  Gosh, even the title of my blog is in opposition to such methodicalness.  Just a quick flyby is hardly going to nail down any nebulousness.  Nope, need to drop down onto the forest floor and sort through those acorns and pine cones in order to develop a canadian-water-clear thought.


So naming things is Edenic. And it is part of subduing the earth which is a mandate I continue to share as a son of Abba.  OK, got that.  And writing is a process of 'naming'  things...at least describing them, articulating the parts and pieces of concepts in the effort to make them understandable, communicable and life-giving.  If this is in fact true, if I am not taking too much license in applying 'naming' things to writing, then I get very excited about writing because it takes on a purpose that is part of my Kingdom job description and therefore worthwhile to do and spend time on.  It is not just some frivolous, narcissistic form of mental masturbation. It is authorized from above, it honors God my creator, it fulfills at least a portion of my calling as an eternal citizen and a member of the royal priesthood of believers.  I am authorized, I have a delegated authority to subdue confusion, to bring clarity, to replace mushy, ill-conceived, harmful notions and to identify all lies, root and renounce them out and to install truth in their place.  That is a glorious undertaking, is it not?  Come on, look at this!  If this is true then I have a mission to bring this part of the gospel into all I do and writing is at least one of the ways to promote such restoration in this fallen world as it courses it's way towards freedom and full redemption.

Phew! That felt good to say!!  Father, am I barking up an OK tree here?  Am I smelling what you are cooking correctly?  I am humbled by the recollection of how easily I can be misled or self-deluded but I refuse to just stay in my cell as a compliant prisoner of my own making.  I have heard myself say and I have felt hungry for more "transformation".  Well bunky, I believe that these thoughts about writing are involved with that process as a discipline, a tool to bring healed, restored thought and definition to what has been previously put out of joint, mangled and made ineffective.  Gosh, that elevates writing to a holy act, at least when submitted to God, an opportunity for me to act as an heir of God and Christ. "To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." (R8,6)

And whom, might I ask,  is this writing intended for?  Are you suggesting the world is breathlessly on standby as it awaits these pearls of truth that dribble out this blog spigot?  Au contraire tater salad , au contraire.  The only person's transformation that  I can ultimately participate in to any significant extent is my own.  My writing is not to be geared for any segment of the outside. I am both the preacher and the congregation and I believe that if I keep that in mind, write honestly, with no aspirations or yearnings for broader audiences, then I should be just fine.  Being intentional is asking God to transform me, writing in and around personal subluxations is very much a part of subduing this world one member at a time.

So for future posts, it seems appropriate to name things (write) in those categories of life that cause me to regularly limp.  Exploring the forest floor of fear, anxiety, being hard on myself, selfishness are all possibilities.  A search and destroy mission against the most un-transformed Santiago bits.  I suggest we just let this all sit in the pot on simmer until our next visit.  We can check back in on it then, take a taste and see if time away brings sense or not to the above discussion.  Until then.....empty to fill. And continued thanks to Ann Voskamp!

Santiago Returns

Wow, you know it's been a long time when it took me about 30 minutes to find my own blog and then actually get access to it. Password had aged out I guess.  It's like the health care system....what's supposed to be for you can actually seem set against you.

So it's been a year, over a year. Kind of lost my way on blogging. The first 34 posts were done during a time when there was a bit of a blogging community that I was a part of. I would often lose my way, lose the WHY? of writing/posting. And then there was the whole thing of wondering who might read and what they might have to say by way of comment. Although kind of exciting in the expectancy that came with it, all in all in wasn't helpful for me. I would like to write with no audience in mind, to have the writing process be an end in itself. With that in mind I believe I have turned off the ability for others to comment (if I did it correctly). Now, only members of this blog can comment and I am the only member....brilliant!

Rather than try and recap the 15 months or so that has gone by, I really just want to start fresh. Being present, seeking the transformation that has in large part been elusive (at least measured by me, which I'm not certain you can really do all that adequately). We are pursuing this exploration of missional discipleship community right now in the effort to explore doing "church" differently. I am hungry to live these career twilight times with less fear and trepidation. If perfect love does in fact cast out fear then I have a lot more need for more perfect love!

Reading Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts has been quite inspirational....it even set me down to write tonight. On my 2nd read which is fairly rare.  I was watching a You Tube of one of her interviews and several things stood out that parallel what I have found in writing. Things like not even knowing what you thought about something until you write about it. About the power of naming things and for me writing is naming fuzzy thoughts and birthing them into articulated substance. Even heard the quote from Eric Little in one of the interviews, the very line that I have used to describe writing....Yes, when I write (and later read it) I too feel the pleasure of God. It's somewhere in the strange co-mingling of my self-familiarity with the presence of someone else that I believe to be Christ in me. The resulting product can often be like reading something fresh, not at all something that I actually wrote.  So very strange and yet absolutely exhilarating! 

Writing is work and I have a very lazy streak in me. I like to check things off my list, keep things moving, accomplish in some volume. But I can't do that with writing...it leads me to only writing when I am in a certain mood which is on the same cycle as 'blue moons'. Everything of value is work, good and lasting things come through intentionality, through honest effort, focus. One doesn't birth anything without expending plenty of energy and for me, thrashing around until I name it is a messy, tiring exercise that keeps me totally in the dark until it is over and done.

So I have returned with a desire to exercise a gift God gave me to communicate with written words. I want to exercise this for Him, because He gave it to me. I want to derive clarity and increased freedoms for myself by being honest, by exploring 2' fears casting 7' shadows. I desire to form a discipline in writing even when I don't feel like it because "writers" write. If I want to get better at writing I must write. This is my first, renewed step to write, to feel the pleasure of God and do at least part of what I was created to do. All this but with no thought of it having any purpose other than allowing a James/God dialogue, to grow in Christ, to be a more thankful, courageous member of the Kingdom community.

So, welcome back ol' friend.  Thank you for taking some time to dust off the old cobwebs and clack the keys.  I  choose to glory in having no idea where to go from here.  The words above have established sufficient WHY.  Now it's time for some DO!
And oh by the way...let's skip the search for clever pictures to accompany the posts...as they say on American Idol..."this is a singing contest".  So no superfulous efforts on prettifying the blog....just write from the heart and all will be well compadre!

Mexico Restored

Well, that was quite a trip. Ten years ago Sandi and I were married. I have written here before about our engagement and what a blessing to find myself as crazy about her today as I was 3650 days ago. For our anniversary we wanted to do something special. Our plans morphed along the way. Originally we envisioned something like a long weekend on the North Shore in a cabin with a fireplace. But as 2010 came to an end and I had my best year ever in recruiting we decided to upgrade. Next thing you know we were trading winter snow for soft sand and booked ourselves for 10 days in Playa del Carmen at a 4 star, all-inclusive hotel on the Caribbean beach. Yowsa!

As exciting as it was to anticipate our trip it still came with it's own conceptual difficulties. We hadn't been away together on any sort of vacation (mea culpa, mea culpa)since our honeymoon ten years ago (which was at the same hotel in Playa). Despite assuring each other that we deserved it and blah-blah-blah we both had to deal with guilt and doubt. It seemed so extravagant compared to so much of how our ten year journey had gone. Couldn't/shouldn't we be making better use of the money this was costing? Should we really tear ourselves away for ten whole days? Are we being too lavish, irresponsible?

Yet, as time passed, we found ourselves immersed in the treadmill aspects of everyday life in this modern world stuffed full of time saving devices that save zero time. Bottom line, we were too busy to really dwell on the upcoming trip which did have the benefit of at least limiting the guilty, second-guessing junk.

We got down to the t-minus four days and I got sick. It was just a virus cold deal but a really bad one with enough flu symptoms that I wondered if that's what it was. I actually missed my second day of work in thirteen years as a gauge of how I was feeling. Now we started to wonder whether going would even be possible. It's about at this point that my buzzers finally went off...."The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy...". Perhaps a little slow to see it but duh!, we are living behind enemy lines, our lives are opposed, warfare is not an option, our enemy is not a fan of anniversary celebratory getaways. So the fight was on for our freedom, for this opportunity to enjoy what I believe Father had arranged for.

Called in my band of brothers for prayer support. Launch was now in only two days and I was being kept up at night with coughing that wouldn't quit. I sounded like death warmed over. I neither looked nor sounded like a vacation candidate. Decided to avoid the managed care, doctor appointment (our health care system is so broken....don't get me going). Opted for trying out a Minute Clinic for the first time ever with the goal of scoring a prescription for cough medicine with codeine, the one thing that I knew would restore a full nights sleep. Walked into Target, stepped into the alternative world of what they call "convenience care" and came out with a good report (no pneumonia) and the desired prescription for the magic cough elixir. I drew a line in the sand and told Sandi the trip was most definitely on and our butts were headed for our seats in 9C and 9D.

So we head off for the airport at 4:45 AM and enjoy the sweet, sweet feeling of making a break from all our familial responsibilities, from the good old-fashioned Minnesota winter that we had been having (I am no longer charmed in the least by any aspect of winter). We sat in the airport basically incredulous that this was actually going to happen, that soon our faces would be facing a warm sun, not the cold, dim orb merely posing as a sun in our Minnesota January.

Gosh, it was a fast, direct flight. A mere 4 hours later and we are going through customs, walking outside into the hot, muggy middle of what July is for us. Once again there are the smells of a living earth and active vegetation to replace the sterility of our frozen homeland. We got into the cab and just smiled at the crazy mariachi music blaring from the radio. VIVA la MEXICO!! Praise God for the wonder of jets that can transport you so fast from one reality into another.

Well, this is merely a blog, not a travelogue. Suffice it to say that the next ten days were wonderful, even gently spectacular. Within about a day or two my health was fully Restored. Still,I discovered that my type A personality seems to crave purposefulness mixed with down time in order to fully enjoy it. Our days were spent with sleeping, talking, people watching, eating, reading, drinking,...repeat. I was sometimes aware of being antsy. I chalked that off to being merely accomplishment withdrawal pains. On several long, long walks on the endless beaches I had some definite epiphanies. I would be appreciating the beauty, the warmth of the sun, the surf lapping at my feet, the way the sand collapses under your feet providing the best arch support ever. I heard in my heart Father's voice, "This is your agenda. To look, and walk and talk and relax and eat, drink and sleep. This is what I have arranged for you". I found myself breaking into tears and shouting out at the top of my lungs into the wind and the sea "Thank you Father, praise you for what you have given us". By the end of our time I was starting to get the hang of leisure a bit...with some more practice I may even some day be able to excel in this arena.

But the thief wasn't going to stand for all this joy without a struggle. About midway through our time, Sandi was hit by sudden nausea. It got worse and worse and she got weaker and weaker. At one point she was literally too weak to even turn over in bed. So, we prayed for relief/healing and just stayed in the room. I curled up next to her and, as if it were a bit of a consolation prize, it rained. It was as if the PAUSE button had been hit while Sandi recuperated. About 30 hours later, Sandi was Restored and we were able to get up and hit PLAY...GAME ON. We quickly got back to the grueling work of eating, sleeping, reading, walking on the beach and drinking. Did I mention drinking?

Alas, all good things do eventually come to an end and it was time to go home. We had a blessed, uneventful flight back home. Sandi quickly checked her vm on the cell phone that had been dormant for ten days. As we entered customs, where phones had to be turned off, she said there was a message...something about the heat in our house. Roh,Roh! That set off some major red lights on the dashboard of my 'Get-er-done' mentality. I felt like we were in slow motion going through all the steps necessary to clear customs and get to where we could communicate once again with the world.

The information was startling. Our furnace had stopped working the day after we left. Our house had been unheated for the last nine days. The message said not to worry, the water had been turned off in the hopes that it would prevent the pipes from freezing. There had been attempts at emailing us, a phone attempt, but nothing got to us and we were left blissfully unaware of the travesty going on back home. I came into our home at 10:00 PM on Saturday night. It was 30 degrees inside the house. The freezer had stopped working in the kitchen and there was a smell of rancid meat. It was as if the enemy was physically present, taunting, jeering with a vicious welcome home. Re-entry was not going to be gradual at all. I found myself in the midst of a full-blown homeowner crisis. We'll get back to that....

Meanwhile, went back to work on Monday. There were three projects that all looked to be sure deals that should have successfully closed while we were away. Within the first three hours of returning to work I discovered that every single one of them had crashed and burned. I sat there as in a coma, in disbelief at the tenacity and viciousness of the enemy's strategy to yank back all the joy from Mr and Mrs Santiago's Mexican getaway.

The title of this used the word Restored. Let me compress and brag on what all God did to thwart what the enemy designed for evil but what God meant for good. (How incredible to experience Jesus as my bodyguard and watch him slap down every move of the bully enemy on our behalf.) So, after the thief failed to get us to cancel out with my sickness, failed to shut it down in the middle with Sandi's sickness he now sought to crush with huge problems upon coming home.

Sitting in a 30 degree house trying to call in a furnace guy late on a Saturday night felt surreal. Nontheless, by 12:15 AM on Sunday the furnace had a new inducer motor and was blowing hot air into the cold house. Cost to us: $0 (furnace still had warranty left!) By 9:00 AM on Sunday morning the house was 60 degrees. I talked to a friendly plumber about coming over to supervise whatever disasters I might be facing when I tried to turn the water back on. He talked me out of it (his Sunday fee: $280/hr!). He gave me a couple of tips instead, I gathered together Sandi and 3 neighbors to watch for leaks at different points in the house and I slowly brought the water back on....NO LEAKS, NO FROZEN PIPES! Restored!

On the work front, as said earlier, all of my likely projects had died. Then on Wednesday of that first week back to work I received a call. The biggest client/project of the three I was hoping for called to say that on further review they were going to go ahead and add an additional position. By Friday they made an offer to my candidate and I now was on the scoreboard for 2011! Restoration!

Let me just say that all glory and honor and praise go to my heavenly Father who both provided an incredible vacation to Sandi and I but then went on to protect his gift from every effort of the enemy to plunder our joy upon returning. I brag on you Father! I bless your name and confess that he who is in us is indeed stronger than he who is in the world! What a glorious ten days in Mexico, courtesy of Jesus! Ten days of of being known by all the hotel personnel as Santiago, answering only to my favorite name...Santiago. Thank you Father for all you brought to us, even down to the intricate detail of a name. Praise God!

CSI Christmas

So Christmas 2010 has come and gone. As I return to the normal activities everyone has the same question..."How was your Christmas"? A fair question but let’s face it, no one is really looking for much of an in-depth answer. It’s a polite, socially appropriate question for this time of the year. I write today to process this holiday. I mean the holiday, with a small h, not the meaning of Christmas, not about the birth of our Savior. Obviously there is some of that in most of our Christmas holidays, a church service perhaps, some reading, some pondering and meditation. But the real crux of the real answer to “How was your Christmas?” lies more in the interactions with family and relatives, the gift buying and giving, food planning and preparation, getting to all of the obligatory parties/get-togethers, and trying to capture/experience that elusive, warm, inner glow known as the “Christmas spirit”.

I have mentioned before in this blog that the best Christmases seem more likely to happen to those who enjoy intact, functional families, with lives not beset by problems, with adequate funds, good health....you get the picture. But let’s face it, most people are lacking in one or many of these areas. For every item missing from this formula for a merry holiday, the likelihood for some level of disappointment, the likelihood of a gap between expectation and reality, increases exponentially.

My intent for writing this is not to be a gloom monster. I am not on a negative tirade, not lambasting the holiday. My desire is simply to do a bit of a post-mortem, to examine where things can come apart and to at least consider any helpful adjustments that might help avoid common pitfalls in ‘doing the holiday’.

Went to church the day after Christmas and I was amazed that the theme of everyone I happened to talk to was one of exhaustion, both emotional and physical. Such a shame. Jesus never intended his birthday to produce such experiences in people...of that I am sure. Where does this exhaustion come from? I am convinced that there are way too many conflicting constituents all demanding to be satisfied in the average person’s holiday experience. I know, constituent is kind of a political word. Constituents are individuals, voters in the way I am using the term, that must be served and every politician has the challenge of managing and pleasing many constituents with their conflicting demands and priorities. Good politicians manage to make each group feel served and acknowledged and so must we with our holiday constituents.

And just what are the constituents of our holiday experience? Well there are many. It starts with ourselves and our personal expectations for how we would like to see things go. The more thought we give to our desires, the more defined is our ultimate score sheet from which we will come up with the result that will be at the heart of an honest answer to “How was your Christmas”. Then there are any surviving grandparents, parents, possibly children, aunts/uncles, in-laws all with their own hopes and aspirations for how they would like to see the holiday play out. A different type of constituent can be the “how it used to be” and the yearning to somehow return to the experience of holidays of yesteryear. On the insidious side of things there is the constituent of the media and the seeds of expectation they manage to plant in us, most often despite our unwillingness to succumb, via their relentless programming and bombardment of every sense we possess.

Yikes, you put all these constituents in a blender, hit frappe, and you will likely pour out a grey liquid that only the weirdest palate will find delectable. What is one to do? If these are some of the causes of holiday misfires what might be possible solutions? I suppose this is where I feel bad for I have inferred I may have some answers. In reality, I feel like I might be onto some possible causes of holiday blues but alas, the solutions to improve seem mostly outside my grasp.

My answers all seem to involve simplification and the management of expectations. For if we could keep things simple, uncluttered, stay away from trying to shove 10lbs of holiday stuff into a 5lb bag, we might find some answers. But to simplify requires different expectations and the willingness to stop doing what we have always done on Christmas just because we have. What starts as a simple tradition can pick up a number of additions and permutations over time. And, once established, the new twists become part of the new and improved traditional constituents, demanding to be served in subsequent years.

Simplifying, when it comes to a holiday such as Christmas, requires getting radical....not something that most families have much of a capacity for. Can the meals be less complicated, needing fewer dishes and more easily served? Can formalities of all sorts be allowed to morph into more relaxed informality? Do we really have to touch every base on the 24th and 25th, frantically rushing around the freeways and praying for no accidents so as to make our tight deadlines? Can we opt out of anything? Is making it less about gifts and more simple just too much of a sacred cow to change? I don’t know but I would love to learn some answers.

It’s December 28th and I am still feeling wore out from the granddaddy of all holidays. Perhaps it is just that I am much to be pitied...? Perhaps... but this I know, just writing this down has brought me some relief. And Jesus, for all that we have done to massacre your birthday I am so sorry. I am not innocent. Please forgive me and bring your revelation on how things can change. Because the next Christmas is only 363 days away and I would like to look forward to it. Please father me in this Lord.

Mini-Windfall

In the fall of this year, 2010, I experienced what for me was a windfall in my work volume and subsequent earnings. God brought me a new client in the summer of this year and by fall they had decided to add 12 new sales reps. Well, in almost 13 yrs of recruiting, this was the first time I had been blessed with this kind of concentrated up-tick in my business. I had already had a decent year but this expansion project launched me into the most success I have ever had in recruiting. Over the next 3 months, I successfully filled all 12 of these positions. This business bolus, direct from the hand of Father, generated a nice sum of money and I ended up in very unfamiliar territory.

Mini-windfall is a good name for this....it was most likely a one time thing (although I am wide open for more of the same) . Theoretically it could happen again with either this client or a new one. Still, with a 12+ year history in recruiting, I suspect this was most likely more of a windfall than evidence that I had somehow turned a new corner into a permanent level of increased business.

So how many times had I wondered and dreamed of having an extra lump of money come to me? Perhaps with a bit of flippancy, from time to time I would hear myself telling God that he had trusted me with little, how about giving plenty a go. True confession: maybe about 5 or 6 times a year I buy a lottery ticket. I call it my $1 ticket to dream about what I would do if I won. (I do better with such dreams when I actually have some skin in the game, with about as much chance of winning as I do of being bitten by a shark while simultaneously being struck by lightning). I view this as a harmless stimulus to practice something I am not at all skilled at......dreaming. Nevertheless, it has been good to occasionally pretend and imagine how I would manage a Jabez jackpot.

Like you,(assuming anyone reads this), I have read the accounts of big time winners who ultimately reported that they did not experience the level of positive changes they had anticipated. There are ample reports and testimonies of winners inheriting a whole new batch of problems to replace the ones that having lots more money solved. There are also the guys who reportedly go through their winnings in record time, with foolish purchases and bad investments gobbling up amazing amounts of money.

Mind you, my windfall is definitely spelled with a small w.... Mini -windfall is more accurate. I did not win the lottery. My "winnings" amount to a bit less than an entire year's income. Regardless, compared to anything else I have experienced it is still an ample sum. So what all have I learned, observed, experienced....? Well, it seems like everything I have observed has been previously reported by people who have gone down this road before me. In other words, I have not been so unique or different from others I have read about. My shared human DNA has produced thoughts and behaviors that are just not that atypical....(alas, I wanted to be so different, so much further above the fray).

Right away I went out and bought something....I hear that a lot from winners of big money. At least it was not a frivolous man toy. With my junior money I was confident enough to get four replacement windows purchased and installed for the 2nd floor. There went $6k (I was totally taken, didn't do enough comparison shopping). Also, I had been saving for a vacation with Sandi to coincide with our 10th anniversary. Now, with mini-windfall money headed in my direction, I upgraded the plans from the North Shore of MN to Mexico. Of course after funding these two items I started to see the mini-windfall balance begin to diminish. I suddenly realized that after taxes and tithes it was not really going to be as much as I had originally thought, it's buying power not as robust as hoped for and just how much of it could really be considered surplus could not be immediately determined.

So in response to these revelations, I have now locked down the consumer button on the control panel of life. Yep, for now I'm done pushing it in a Skinnerian frenzy lest it suck these new found cash resources dry. Since this expansion project ended at the end of October, new business opportunities have been in pretty short supply, and my projects are just not closing the way I would like to see it happening. In other words, the rhythm of my business has returned to its' normal beat. So for the windfall money that has yet to be spent or committed, I have decided to direct it into a holding corral. The new year is right around the corner and what kind of year 2011 is going to be is most uncertain. So bully for me, I am being boringly conservative and choosing not to spend all the windfall . Nope, the remaining money will be put aside to act as a pool to either supplement or replace any income shortfall should 2011 turn out to be a dud.

Pretty boring huh? Somehow my approach just doesn't have the flair and chutzpah of just getting it and spending it and trusting that 2011 will take care of itself. Sorry, there has been too many years in this 100% commission job that have brought periods (sometimes long periods) of too little cash flow, too many financial concerns and all the pressure that goes along with such underfunding. As the remaining windfall money comes in, the prudent thing to do is to set it aside. As 2011 goes along I will be monitoring the ebb and flow of projects and not until then will I know whether this mini-windfall money is indeed extra or was it just an advance payment on money that will be needed in the coming year.

The biggest ache I found in the midst of this was experiencing a strong desire to have this increase in cash become my new normal. How incredible it would be to never have to concern myself about money again. Face it, when this happened and my work was successful, there was an immense relieving of all financial pressures...at least in the short run. My soul yearned for this new found state to be permanent rather than transitory. As I let my focus shift to this desire it entirely obliterated the blessing in the now that had come to me. I was too busy lamenting on how if only this could become a more permanent type of financial change...one that would sort of stay and make itself at home. Gosh, how very carnal and disappointing of me. Spiritually, I regularly declare my allegiance and dependence on God. In His grace and mercy He showers me with a momentary dollar downpour. And what do I do? Well, regrettably, rather than bask in the grace of it all I morph into wanting, even whining, about having this become a permanent fixture of how we roll from this point forward.

So what were the 'take-aways' from this. That my old man is still very desirous of having positive, visible circumstances to depend on (ie.,cash) rather than relying merely on faith in an invisible provider. That money itself is not the panacea that I am often tempted to think that it may be. That I am really not a spender....it makes me more nervous than happy. That when faced with a financial blessing my mind gravitates way too easily from thanksgiving to having the desire to make it a permanent addition to my life. That alas, I do seem to grow better within moderate levels of adversity and pressure than I do in the absence of either.

Whether this mini-windfall proves to be a a financial overage or merely advanced payment of 2011 money in 2010 remains to be seen. Regardless, I am ever so blessed by this gift of Jesus. Thank you Father. Thus concludes this time of briefly sifting through the coals of one particular fire in the long series of fires that together comprise this journey called life. Santiago, thanks for writing about this....it helped clarify a few things.

A not-so secret

Click...the sound of hitting the letter C on the keyboard. Seems like a good place to start after such a long absence. For a guy who says he finds joy and release in writing I sure don't write much. What's that about? Seems like I need to be in a certain kind of 'abandoned' mood that happens to coincide with having something I want to write about. Both of these are too rare for me to ever become a regular writer. I read about writers...how they sit down and crunch it out regardless of something as fickle as mood. The professionals have a deadline for a task masker. I only have a vague sense that in some realm I am drawn to write...maybe even called to do so. But that's not what I came here to talk about.....

I hear people saying how they want to "get closer" to God. How they are just not in the place they believe they want to be in their spiritual walk. Before sharing a response, a disclaimer. Anything that follows is certainly intended to be offered in the utmost humility....the kind of humility that has been backed up by years of falling, failing, floundering and flubbing virtually every aspect of life. The school of hard knocks for sure and graduation doesn't even appear on the calendar!

Thinking in pictures is how it usually happens for me. There's this phrase regarding the "elephant in the room" that I love. It really scratches my pragmatic itch. Our mutual capacity to talk all around something without ever getting to the real point is indeed truly amazing (amazing, a word that seems to be currently overused in daily conversations. It's so curious....where do such language nuances find their start? How do they grab hold and go so "viral". And when will the word "like" finally find it's way back out to pasture? But I digress....like big time).

There is no argument with the value of having a desire to get "closer to God". But mere hope is never a plan. If a journey of a thousand miles truly begins with the first step, then the first step cannot be some elusive, over-spiritualized mumbo jumbo. The first step of getting closer to God is clear....give him and your relationship some time, each day, day after day. There, I said it. But why does it seem somehow over-simplified and naive? I'm not sure but whenever I hear people lamenting about their need to get closer, to hear from, to sense the presence of God more in their lives it seems that the spending-time-with-him concept is just not that enthusiastically received.

Perhaps it's because 'time' seems in such short supply. The spirit of our age is rushing, tread milling, multitasking, eating while we drive. Heck, if we could we would be talking on our cell phone to one party while texting yet another on a second phone. I vaguely remember back in maybe the 1970's when the futurists were predicting that our biggest challenges would be managing the great increase in leisure time. Supposedly there was to be a shortening of the work week. Coupled with the efficiencies in our households because of all the labor-saving devices (ie, microwaves and electronics) it was predicted that we would be awash with spare time.

Alas, the excess leisure never really materialized and most people were certainly never challenged with the problem of managing an over supply of down time. No, instead, every time-saving device only led to a perverse tyranny of speeding up our expectations. Our need now has grown for things to move at warp speed just to be normal. Instead of problems with too much leisure we got road rage and second jobs to make ends meet. The average person experiences ten pounds of daily life trying to cram into a five pound bag.

So perhaps suggesting spending time as the answer to just about anything should not be expected to be met with enthusiastic amens. Time is in short supply and I get that (there is another over-used phrase that is part of our now vocabulary...I get that). But whether there is a shortage of time or not still does not change the truth. Truth may be assaulted from every direction but at the end of the proverbial day it is still gloriously the truth.

And the truth is that if Bobby wants to develop a relationship with Susie then by gum he is going to have to find the time to do it. Relationships have just never responded all that much to new-fangled approaches. Sure, maybe Bobby can initially text his way into Susie's life. But the development of depth and lasting love will only come from the frequent investment of raw minutes robbed away from lesser important activities.

And so it is with us and Jesus. He loves each of us unconditionally. He yearns to be in relationship with us. And for many of us, we hear ourselves saying that we want that too. If that's so, then the journey must both begin and be regularly fueled by the investment of our precious time...there just are no relational shortcuts. And, like anything else we wish to make a high priority, that time can only be found within the ledger sheets of our lives. To find time we will have to rearrange the columns of our God-given 24hours to allow for it.

If only....if only this world could experience every Jesus-believing person spending one hour per day with their creator/savior. What a phenomenal difference I can only imagine that might make. And yes, initially that may have to start with a mere 'five minute' quiet time. But Bobby would never grow with Susie if that is where it stayed. Five minutes can grow to ten and ten to twenty. But where to find this time? For me, finding the time to be with God once the starting gun has been fired for the day has never worked. How do you really hear the still quiet voice while fighting traffic? I have also struck out when I have tried to parlay bedtime into prayer time. The exhaustion of the day simply short circuits my best laid plans and sleep seems too often the victor.

No, for me, however long I want to sit at the feet of Jesus must come when I set the alarm the night before. To the thirty minutes it takes me to get out the door I must add the amount of time that Jesus and I will spend together the next morning. Actually that part is easy enough. The discipline that is needed (doesn't all change and re-prioritization require us to fight for them?.....It seems our good intentions always meet with resistance...thus the need for discipline) is to not hit the snooze alarm. To roll out of bed on the first notes of the radio alarm tune, to suffer the fifteen to twenty seconds of agony until my feet are on the floor and moving. Thankfully it gets progressively easier from there....

I recently voted and they gave me a little red sticker that so proudly proclaims "I VOTED". (Sporting that about town is not my style...I put it on an UP elevator button as a friendly reminder to others.) But that got me to thinking ...what if we started seeing more and more people getting closer to God because they gave him the time of day? What if "I Spent Time With God Today" buttons started appearing all over. Wouldn't that result in many getting closer to God? Might not the world benefit from having more participants who had met with the Lord of Lords and heard his still, quiet voice? I sure have to think so...

One now after another....

Yea! I get to blog a bit. A scene from Chariots of Fire comes to mind when Eric Liddell shares that when he runs he feels "the pleasure of God". I know something of that when I express through the written word. So yea, I get to blog.

One side comment before launching forward....by writing infrequently, I have little to no recall of things I may have already said in an earlier post. Like the comment about Liddell and what he said. I know I have thought that before and now I suspect I may have well said it here, on 500' Flyby before. Not that big of a deal except I am really wanting not to become one of those old duffers who tells the same stories every time you see them, blissfully unaware they have so shared the same thing before. Lord, please spare me from this.

Sometimes it can seem like there is no end in sight for certain of life's struggles, no reprieve from battling the same stuff, falling through the same old trap doors into the primordial ooze of your own making. But then, without any special fanfare, a breakthrough of sorts. It was unexpected and comes along with a strong tendency of mine to minimize lest I overrate it. But doggone it, when a bit of a corner seems to have been turned it's only right to declare it. And so I will.

Without summarizing the concept or discipline, several authors have written about practicing the presence of God (PPOG) on a moment by moment basis. Brother Lawrence may be the most well known name in this regard. His approach is detailed in his book, so cleverly entitled The Practice of the Presence of God. I read it many years ago (and am spending time in it again). I remember being impressed by the austerity of his living in a monastery, the simplicity of his work (which he hated) of washing dishes. I have this affinity with all things austere, simple yet severe.

But for me, the special thing that Father has recently been bringing me to is in part special for how He did it. It started from just one line (OK, maybe two or three) in a book that had been recommended to me by several friends well over a year ago. One of those funny, as in odd, traits of mine is to not do or see or read anything that is being touted too much. I'm the guy who doubles back and sees a wildly popular movie maybe a year after it has long faded from the public eye. How quirky of me (and it would be fun/good to explore what's behind that someday).

Anyhow, some dear friends gifted me a $50 Barnes and Noble gift card as a sort of farewell for a ministry leadership position I felt led to step down from. Well, one of my purchases was this book that had been recommended so enthusiastically so long ago. I loved the book but there was this line on page 106 that just had this light switch kind of an effect on me. It went something like "....you have learned to measure your stability by your circumstances and by your ability to see how things will work out months in advance." Bam, that was for me...it was me, it nailed me!

In the book, the character asks if that is so wrong. The wise sage states that he wouldn't say it's so wrong but "...it's not going to help you walk in this kingdom. When we're looking to the future, we're not listening to Father. The greatest freedom God can give you is to trust his ability to take care of you each day."

Not an overly complex thought but the rightness of it for me, at that moment, kind of rocked my world. I was left in no doubt that I was being specifically guided into this arena, at this time. No accident...divine appointment. You see, for years I have struggled with a vicious cycle of ups and downs that were all so circumstantially based. My permission to be joyful was linked to the quality of my circumstances. To make matters even worse, there was a related lie from the pit of hell that I had unwittingly bought into. It was a linear, causality type of outlook that concluded "good things happening to me, God is pleased with me. Bad things happening, God is torqued with me." Intellectually, I could argue against such thinking with no problem. But emotionally, practically, my life was lived out under the effect of this lie.

Having a pastor who has talked frequently about living in the moment with God has kept this 'PPOG' mindset at least somewhat on my radar (yet never quite embraced until now). The passages from the book had caused me to see the reality of the stronghold that I found myself in. A bondage consisting of looking to circumstances as the source (or block) of my peace/joy index. Closely related, a diabolical habit of trying to control the future while simultaneously feeling lousy about much of the past. Now there is a formula bound to produce a chronic malaise if ever there was one.

For me, it's difficult to speak or even write about this 'practicing the presence'. On one hand, it sounds so zen-like and new age. On the other, it is so simple, so basic that it starts having the feel of 'everything you ever needed to know you learned in kindergarten'. Painfully Christianity 101. Here I am into this faith walk for 35 years and I am just now appreciating how vital it is for me to surrender to God. Perhaps I should be applying to become the new poster child for the Society of Slow Learners.

All self-deprecating humor aside, by living in the moment, knowing that I couldn't be more loved by my Father than I am right now, knowing that He intends life for me and life abundantly, knowing that He desires nothing more than to be invited into each moment and, in so doing, to transform the mundane into the sacred is, for me, an extremely potent paradigm (that's one quarter into the jar for horribly overused words and very long sentences). By collapsing all analysis of the past, by surrendering all speculation concerning the future I am left with the moment. And right there, in the now, stands Jesus, knocking at my heart's door, passionately wanting to be invited into the present to do life together. When I authentically walk with this as my truth, I am so shielded from so much of what used to take me out. If a deal falls through at work, I don't run ahead into the future to project what all this is going to mean for me. I have the moment, only the moment, and Father is in it with me.

Running up ahead, speculating, is one of the ways I have done life since youth. For crying out loud, I can remember sitting in the back seat on the way to the Dr's office, knowing full well I was going to be getting a penicillin shot (they didn't call him 'Penicillin Pete' for nothing). As I anticipated the pain of what was going to happen, I would sit there pinching my arm, rehearsing and preparing, seeking a way to manage the future. It's stuff like that which has followed me into adult life in a more sophisticated yet lame attempt to manage the fallout of life. When I am trying to arrange for the details of my own happy life I am by definition not trusting Father to do so. I guess it's safe to say that if I find myself mentally dwelling in either the past or the future I am not where I am meant to be....present to the now in surrender and trust to my Abba.

It is a bit shocking when I look under my own hood to check for transformation progress. Of course I'm not suggesting that is a good thing for us to be about doing on a regular basis. Nonetheless, it is only natural to think about it every so often. What I have seen with fresh eyes is the truth that what I profess to believe does not necessarily have any correlation with how I live my life. I have seen my double mindedness. On one hand , I give vigorous intellectual assent to what Jesus taught and philosophically embrace it on every level. Yet there seems to be a separate compartment from which I actually live out so pathetically many aspects of my life. Looked at from this vantage point, I see myself living as though there really isn't an all-caring, all-loving Father in whom I can trust. Instead there are only my frantic efforts to provide for myself and to suck what I need out of the marrow of those around me. Mmmmm, harsh but more true than not. I believe that bringing my beliefs and how I live my life into alignment is possible. However, I suspect that this will only be possible to the degree Father has been given my full surrender and trust thus giving Him the freedom to align me from the inside out.

Yikes, this has grown quite long. Perhaps blog-length is just not sufficient to wrestle with producing the words of what this is and what all it is meant to mean for how I do life moving forward from here. The wicked witch had it sort of right..."Surrender Dorothy" is not a bad thing to do when one is surrendering to the Creator of the universe. The peace and joy that is reportedly associated with what I have for years professed to believe has been elusive at best. There is little to none of it when I am busy trying to choreograph the details of life into a nice Santiago dance. Surrender and dependence, on one hand so un-American sounding, so politically incorrect. But in the Kingdom economy, things operate in such profoundly different patterns. In a Kingdom where "When I am weak, then I am strong" is true, only a close walk with the King of the dome will suffice.

Surrender brings freedom and dependence allows for the byproduct of joy. No child concentrates on joy...it just comes along for the ride in the process of trusting that father means only well. My Father is like that...be that child Santiago....be that child.