"That's a negative, Blueleader" (Pt.1)

Wow, sitting down to another attempt at this Blog thing and surprised at the inner conflict that continues regarding the very essence of blogging. Several have asked for my blog address and I have been unwilling to give it, instead desiring anonymity. So what's with that? I thought you wanted to be Mr Transparent? To beam some of your thoughts out into the cosmos and see what happens? Just journal this stuff idiot! Bloggin's for chumps! OK, OK settle down ya'll. Yeah, I do want to speak to the public, but not so eager to do so with that part of the public who already know me. I seem to be more comfortable with being transparent to the "bartender" who doesn't really know me but is a good listener and safe in that you don't have to worry much about being challenged or criticized. For those who already know me, it feels like giving them entrance to my underwear drawer.
So there you go, just sharing this pathetic little take on how I talk a big transparent game but deliver just a veiled, cloaked access to those I know is pretty telling in itself. Hey, it's almost a transparent confession!.... calling myself out onto the carpet and drawing a line in the sand and shouting a last call to board the authentic self bus before it pulls away from the station.
Anyway, this isn't what I came here to write about today. Wanted to wade through some different waters....the whole area of negativism vs positivism in my life. I've always admired positive people.....have wanted to be like them. But for me, to do so, comes off as just an inauthentic act. No sooner than I say yes, I believe that this will all work out well, or that this or that will surely come to pass than my internal alarms start beeping and I find myself merely a poser. What in the world is that all about? (At this point, it would be nice to have a shrink on hand to help me think about this, to be honest about the real roots that feed it....not sure that just a brave desire and a bootstrap approach is going to be sufficient).
Well regardless of the above negative caveat (at least you're consistent Santiago) I have a thought as to why this seems to be my mode of operation. Let's just throw it out and see if it seems to hold up in the light of day......
It seems that I really hate, maybe even fear?, to be disappointed. So, my pragmatic approach, which really just so often seems a mere euphemism for negative, glass-half-full thinking, is my way of inoculating myself against disappointment. There it is, my take on a coping mechanism that I have honed to a fine edge over these 60 years of bumbling through life. Emotional cushioning..... OK, let's see how this chunk of self-analysis looks to me as it lies quivering under the hot lights of the microscope......
First of all, I wonder if this is really it, if this is really the cause of my negativity or just a related symptom, just a referred type of deal that is actually coming from somewhere else? I'll keep this in mind but for now all I can do is ask the question and let it simmer in the background of my brain....
So what's the problem with this strategy Santiago? It has kind of worked for you for these many years, why not just flow with it? Aha, that good question elicits some emotion in me....BECAUSE I AM NOT SATISFIED WITH THIS STRATEGY! IT SEEMS TOO MUCH LIKE A DEFAULT, LESS-THAN-THE-BEST, UN-REDEEMED, UN-BELIEVING APPROACH TO LIFE!
OK, OK settle down and no one needs to get hurt here. So much for the 'all caps' emotional venting of anger and even threads of self-loathing that a quick mouth swish of this brew brings out.
That's enough for this post....subject is thrown out there and time to walk away and let it marinate in the ol' fridge for awhile before coming back to take it from here.
Hasta luego Cisco...