So it's 11:30PM, sitting here in one of those exhausted but stirred up modes. My youngest, Jenna, graduated today from UMD. My Mom and Sandi joined me to watch the ceremonies and congratulate my daughter's 5 years of tenacity. So what's the deal, why do I sit here in this funk, this kind of dark agitation?
Took a tour through some of the blogs....at least some of the ones listed on others blog sites. This little tour provided some relief from whatever is bugging me. Oh Terri, you were hurting and I didn't even know it til' I guess it was over. How strange to feel bad about that....we hardly even know one another but this blogland thing sure makes it feel otherwise. Di's reminder to stay on the coverage of the bootcamp, the incredible poem she has recently posted, Marcell's ode to Babe and soaring symphony featuring an organ, Danny's missional ministry house coming together, Greg's shout out to Jen, the lovely Kirsten and her boutique of words and poems and pictures, Dean getting the family established in Switzerland, Dave's sports riffs. Thank you one and all, you all ministered to me on this night in ways you can't know.
Jenna's Mom and her husband shared the day up in Duluth as well,as did my oldest Jessica and her beau Adam. Given my recent posts, spending time with both of my daughters and the interplay of current and former spouses has, I believe, contributed to whatever this vague malaise I find myself soaking in. Kind of a day spent in the Hamilton Beach blender on the frappe' setting of past, present and glimpses of future. Now just pour out this yummy concoction into chilled serving glasses and enjoy!
Jeesh, just go to bed Santiago. Yeah, but I would really like to put my finger on what this swirly thing around me is that I might process it accordingly and be done with it. Sat outside for awhile on my back looking at the stars, searching for God's voice, his word for me, his directions out of this mental maze. Did some warfare counter measures and bound, gagged and blinded every strategy of the foul spirits wishing to take me out. Walked the perimeter of my domain.
Nevertheless, I sit here clicking away at this keyboard like a chicken runs around after it's head has been chopped off. Don't feel like I'm getting any closer to clarity. Is it HR, the Canadian bootcamp, the embers of today's fires up north? What up Hoppy?
I can't help but feel that part of it is just that feeling of being kind of lost, overwhelmed by surrounding fog, feeling a total absence of any sort of control. Today a big chunk of life (ie. Jenna completing her degree) fell into place, time demonstrated that it indeed is marching on and I am just left with this sense of humbling angst and feeling like I am just off in the margins. I make no agreements with any of this!
Valid question: Why post all this crap? Pissed off answer: Because it's my blog and I just felt like thrashing around, regardless of whether or not resolution is to be found. Thrashing for thrashings sake. OK, time to put a merciful end to this unedifying meandering. I guess I will hit the ol' Publish Post button by way of leaving a sample, a veritable specimen, of the kind of loopy nonsense I sometimes find myself immersed in. Certainly won't be accused of trying to impress by laying down this kind of drivel...
Here's to a better morning....
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6 comments:
wouldn't mind sparking up a joint and sitting on the dock of the bay with you...suffice it to be a memory of times past, and just being in the moment, out of sorts. it happens. we gave up the marihootchie so i guess now we just realize that even in the midst of so much goodness our heart longs for more, because that is what it was created for...and like lungs need air, and there is air, we desire eden, and there is eden. we shall dance in the River my friend....hang on and love what you have here and now and know that it will be perfected in ways beyond your wildest dreams imagination longings...
the unsettled feelings are ok...
not fun, but ok. they pass.
you know what to do with the voices that try to make it desperate hopeless meanlingless. not up in here bro.
just got back from the cabin, spent time with the fam, waiting for my man to get home with tales of victory and i'm sure a bit of stuff that will give me practice in balancing the rejoicing with taking thoughts captive. it's all good in the end. we just lay it out there and let God redeem it. that's what He does, and I'm sticking to it!!! love you SO MUCH and your lovely wife and congratulations to your little princess.
oh and the mixed potpurri of past coulda shoulda woulda beens....
that's hard. hard to make it all fit in nice little acceptable categories. they don't. that's okay. and by now my meanderings and random comments are probably becoming hard to follow, so I'm outa here santiago....
and margins? (ok I'm not out of here yet) that's where I write things God speaks to me in my Bible, there's good stuff there, beside the living and active Word.
love~joy~peace
no worries my friend.
i'm sorry you're finding yourself in this funk. these transitions can be disorienting, yes? when i'm suffering from motion-sickness, it helps to keep my eyes focused high on the horizon. i think the same thing applies to e-motion-sickness. focus santiago...
Di,
Have to admit your reply brought a smile to my face as I pictured past times out on the dock of the bay. But the "happiness" of those times was produced by the illusion dispensed from artificial props, the "marihootchie"(now there's a new term for me!) of this world. Although it sure came in handy, it never held any longterm answers. Anyhow, thanks for your ecouragement. I look forward to those dances in the River....I've gotten a few glimpses and I'm excited to be all in.
Terri,
e-motion-sickness....Yep, that my insightful sister is what it was that I was struggling with last Saturday night. Good call! I sure appreciate the fact that I can have blogging friends like you and Di and MW who bear with my thrashing and limping and speak out words of love,context,reframing and stability....
Glad to hear you are back on your feet and doing well...You are an absolute delight in the Kingdom!
hey santiago;
you've been tagged!
well bro, it makes perfect sense to me that you would have a post-blended-family-event funk. maybe more going on there, too, but having endured many of these, I can relate to that feeling. like, the woulda-coulda-shoula stuff, wondering how it is for the kids, who didn't ASK to have 4 "parents" who share some akward polite conversations and little else. even at it's best, these events are stressful. and the enemy can use it to pull us back into that shame/blame/condemnation of our story. So all that to say, you were right on to do that warfare, and ride it out.
as far as being in the margins- i can relate to that too, maybe we need to take a big step back and see a bigger frame where we are no longer on the edge of the picture.
this too shall pass, and in Christ, we all have each other's backs.
Pentimento,
My dear sister in Christ, it is so good to have people "get it". I have never really ceased a sort of chronic background questioning of my motivations for blogging. But your comment reminds me that being understood and experiencing some resonance with another human being concerning what otherwise can just feel like so much randomness is worth the blogosphere price of admission. Thank you Mrs.W!
Dave,
Why you ol'son of a gun. Tagging me and all, leaving me to have to research what this tagging thing is all about. And heh, I was safe on goal! Really, I was touching it with my left foot. Oh, all right, I suppose finding a measily 6 random things in a veritable life of randomness shouldn't be all that difficult.....Thanks, I think, for thinking of me....
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